What is Sexy?

My sister once dated a man who identified as a feminist and would explicitly ask for consent in sexual encounters. Initially, this unnerved her, no man had ever asked to her ‘own’ her part in a sexual encounter. However, soon enough she was able to enjoy his need for consent and came to think of it as liberating and empowering. Here was a man who not only respected her enough to ask, but someone who just didn’t just want to her sex with her body, but her.

To this day, she is the only woman I know who’s had this experience. Every other woman I know has had the opposite experiences. They’ve been victims of unwanted advances, inappropriate touching, near-rapes and actual rapes.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend and told her that I ask for permission to touch someone. She soon informed me how unsexy that was and that you should just know. To a certain extent, I agree, everyone wants to be so in sync with their lover that they have an unspoken chemistry. On the contrary, we live in a world where men hate to be ‘friend zoned’, no means yes, men are aggressive and women aren’t supposed to take any initiative in their sexuality. In the world that we live in, is body language enough?

It seems to me everyone thinks sex should play out how it does in his or her favorite love scene or romantic novel. Yet, how many times, if ever, does sex ever look like that? If we’re honest with ourselves-it doesn’t. When the odds of having a positive sexual experience is just as high as having a non positive sexual experience and since sex isn’t all that sexy anyway, why not add consent?

In my experience, sex becomes great with a partner after exploring and having honest conversations about likes and dislikes. Sex isn’t one size fits all. I think consent is another part of women’s liberation. If we truly want ownership of our bodies, we have to be willing to own our sexuality as well. When rape culture is so pervasive, we have to find a way to make consent sexy.