Driven

My latest short story





I don’t know what I want. Oftentimes I feel like we all would be better off if we could just figure out what the hell we want. What is life really about? We finally make up our mind about what we think we want, get it, and realize maybe this isn’t it. Get your dream job, and then hate your boss. Get married, and then hate your spouse. Have children just to discover they’re just little cute monsters.
Commitment scares me especially long term. I won’t even sign a contract with a cell phone provider because it requires a two-year agreement. Prepaid all the way. I drift. I’m a drifter. When you can’t commit-you drift. Monotony bores me. It bores everyone whether they admit or not.
That’s why men cheat and also why more women should. Men think women don’t get bored with them, but we do. After awhile we know how you’re going to hold us, kiss us…stroke us. The only difference in most cases men have the balls to cheat and women don’t. No pun intended.
I’m not your usual drifter. I’m not a drifter in a nomadic sense. Usually I stay put as far as geography is concerned. I choose to drift from man to man. Not looking for love. I’m not one of those women. I would like to be one of those women, but I can’t because I know love doesn’t exist. Love is fleeting. Nothing more than an illusion.
I look for things. Yet, after awhile I’m not so sure what I’m looking for. See I don’t know what I want.

Fairy tales don’t exist. They haven’t existed for me at least.



My overly religious, somewhat hypocritical mother made it her business to call me a demon. We stood there, face to face in our small kitchen that reeked of stale chicken grease, while she went on and on about how she doesn’t know where she went wrong raising me; how a child as promising as me could end up so wrong? Honestly, all her children ended up wrong, but for some reason she took my less than mediocre status the hardest. Maybe she should have sent me to church more, maybe she should have monitored my friends all these maybes. Maybe she should shut the fuck up. Maybe I am a demon, but considering I didn’t voice this out loud out of respect, maybe I’m not a demon after all.
She didn’t understand why I acted the way I did. She said I stayed out too late. I hung around too many different guys and the girls I surrounded myself with were no better. She could imagine what type of things I got into when I wasn’t at home. I didn’t understand why she was so conservative and uptight. I would have agreed to disagree, but she wasn’t having that. She didn’t have to worry though I soon put her out of her misery. I got out of that dump she called home. She could have that cramped ass two bedroom house with four kids’, two grandchildren, and a drunk for a husband.
I had no idea why thoughts of my mother filled my head. I hated thinking about her not because I hated her, but because she reminds me of my old life, and I absolutely hated my old life. I was starting to get sad. Any minute the tears would fill my eyes.
“What’s wrong Diana?” Mike asked bringing me back to reality. He had rolled over placing his arm around me. He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. I could smell the Hennessy on his hot breath. I was hoping he would stay asleep because I wasn’t in the ‘mood’.
“Nothing baby.”
“You sure?” I could see the concern on his face.
Yet, I wasn’t fazed. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Yeah, baby go back to sleep.”
“Girl I’m up now.” He eyes me up and down and licks his lips. He wouldn’t believe I was on my period because he knew that last week. Damn.
“Baby you look sleepy to me.” He just laughs. He reaches over and grabs his glass off the table. “Bae can you make me another drink?”
“Sure.” I take his glass and head to the kitchen. I fill the glass with ice before I pour in the Hennessy and coke. I thought long and hard about lacing it with Tylenol PM which I’m sure would knock him clean the fuck out. Yet, at this point it may be too much after all the alcohol he had consumed. I wanted to avoid fucking him; I didn’t want to kill him.
I took a deep breath and headed back into the room.
I watched as he headed over and turned on the CD player. The smooth and sensual sounds of Maxwell came through the speakers. I continue watching half smiling as he drunkenly dances my way and takes the glass and pulls me close. Dance with me. We engage in some sort of uncoordinated slow dance. Any other day this would probably cheer me up. Not today. Today, I just want to be left alone.
We end up on the bed. I lay back and close my eyes. Why complain? This is why I’m here.


How I met Mike isn’t special. I was out shopping at the mall with a friend. We had stopped outside of Carson’s debating whether we were going to Victoria Secret or not. I could feel his eyes on me. I turn to look at him. He was about 5’11, had a medium brown complexion, his hair was cut short and he had a great smile. The tattoo on his neck added to his sex appeal, but I wasn’t a girl who gave a damn about how any guy looked.
He comes over to me and hands me his cell phone.
“Put your number in my phone, red bone” he says with a smile.
That was such a turn off. I hate it when men only liked me because they saw me as a light-skinned prize with hazel eyes. Admittedly, I loved my looks. My looks were the reason for my lifestyle. Men loved my aforementioned assets as well my breasts, small waist and ample behind. My dark hair was long and full thanks to my dad‘s mixed heritage. The only thing that I inherited from him that I liked.
“Aren’t you bold?” I felt no need to hide my sarcasm.
“No, I’m Mike.”
I didn’t laugh, “That was cute.” I see his expensive clothes and the diamond bracelet he was sporting and suddenly out of nowhere he became my type. Can you believe it?
Mike at 28 was five years older than me. He works in well let’s just say he works in ‘construction’. Like most guys like him, he has two kids. A bad ass little boy and girl who have re affirmed my pro-choice stance. Our first date he picks me in a black Mercedes and by the end of the night we were back in his lavish apartment and the rest is history.
I forgot all about Tyler, the guy I was dating when I met Mike. He was a nice guy. I met him while I worked at Riviera. This was a gentleman’s club in the southern suburbs of Chicago. After working at the club for a while, I realized the ones who stared the hardest were probably the biggest tricks. Tyler was the biggest sucker of them all. Tyler had a management position at some company; I forget the name. Hell, it doesn’t matter. He was not so easy on the eyes, chubby with an even bigger wallet. He was always trying to take me out, and initially I was like hell no! Aint nobody about to see me out and about with Fat Bastard’s black brother. Then I realized I was turning down a free meal at a nice restaurant. What was I thinking? At that point looks never mattered again. He’d spend as much as I wanted just to please me, but unfortunately bigger and better things awaited me which is funny because it’s hard to get bigger than Tyler.
Mike and me have been together for about a year and I’m starting to get that feeling. The feeling that says it’s time to go. I’ve been with him about six months too long.
But, you never quit one job until you have another lined up.


I called up my friend Erica and told her we needed to go out. I was on the prowl tonight. I let my hair down and applied my make-up. I put on my sexiest Gucci black dress- minus panties. Men loved that. My dress hugged my body in all the right places. There was no doubt; I would be turning heads tonight. My four inch red heels made my outfit pop. I adorned a few pieces of jewelry that Mike loved to spoil me with. Finally I sprayed on some Heiress perfume by Paris Hilton, the scent was intoxicating.
I pulled up to the James Hotel and waited for the valet to help me out my car. Mike had bought me a matching Mercedes except mine was blue. After entering the hotel, I headed straight to the bar. Erica was already there sipping on a cosmo.
“Have you been here a long time?” I asked.
“No. By now I realize when you say eight, you probably mean nine.”
“True.” I laughed. My perception of time was always a little off. I looked over Erica. The girl was pretty with a great sense of style, not as good as mine, but great nonetheless. It was important to surround yourself with pretty people. Most had the misconception that it was better to be the pretty girl in the group. I say it’s better to have a group of pretty girls because that attracts more attention.
“Can I see the drink menu?” I asked the bartender. He smiled at me as he handed me the menu. He was cute, but he definitely couldn’t afford me. I smiled back at him before ordering the Godiva chocolate cosmo.
“So, tell me why you wanted to come here?”
I looked at Erica. She was like my little protégé. I had to school her every time we were together and tonight was no different.”
“A lot of single guys with money come here to unwind. NBA players, bankers, basically like I said men with money. You don’t have the loud music of the club so you can actually talk to people. A woman like me who has expensive taste needs to know where to find men who can afford those tastes. This happens to be one of those places.”
“Ok girl. So who is here tonight?”
I turn my head to the left corner of the room. “Well, over there is number 5 his name is Andrews or something. He plays for the Bulls. Also sitting at that table is Johnson maybe Antwan and he’s a Chicago Bear. Over there we have Reginald Taylor-he’s a big shot at Bank of America. And finally over there is my personal favorite Keith Smith. He is an executive at a marketing firm and makes several million a year.”
“Why is he your favorite?”
I hunch my shoulders. “I don’t know there’s something about him.”
“How did you know these men would be in here?”
“Let’s just say, I do my homework.”
“I feel like I should be taking notes or something.”
“You should.”
Erica was so cute. I could just pinch her cheek. She reminded of my friend, Kim.
I started living with Kim and her family after I left home. Kim had about six brothers and sisters. So money in that household was tight, but at the same time me and Kim wasn’t trying to be going to school looking bogus. Kim had a boyfriend who was 22 or maybe he was 23. Anyways, he always had money and didn’t mind giving it to Kim either. He had a friend who, of course, had money like he did. These two chumps kept our nails and hair done and in the latest fashion and we, well, we kept them happy. A few months later after Kim and me barely made our asses across the stage to graduate; we decided we needed to get away from the 24-hour daycare center. I could have stayed home if I wanted to be crowded. We worked at McDonalds-hated it. We worked at Wal-mart-hated it. I become a hostess-not enough money. She became a waitress-hated it. We became strippers-loved it. It definitely paid enough. While Riviera gave me the opportunity to move on to bigger and better things. Kim not so much, Kim‘s boyfriend and his friend, my personal ATM went to jail. At that point, I forgot all about him, but Kim was convinced she was in love. Now she sending him money and taking time to go see him. I don’t have time for that. I need to be around women who are going for it all.
I notice Keith get up with a pack of cigarettes in his hand and head outside. I grabbed my purse and followed suit. I took out a cigarette and pretended to search my purse for a light. I walked over to him with an oldie, but goodie.
“Do you have a light?”
“Yes.” He proceeds to light my cigarette for me. After taking a puff I thank him.
“No problem.” He extends his free hand. “I’m Keith.”
“I’m Diana.” He tries to keep eye contact, but his eyes start to roam over my body. I smile inside.
“Nice to meet you Diana.”
“Same here.”
Maybe you will allow me to buy you a drink.”
“Maybe.” I walk back over to where I was standing seemingly uninterested. I quickly finish my cigarette and head back inside. He’s practically staring at me the whole time.
A few minutes later, he was by my side. I smile at Erica. He looks at the bartender. Give these ladies another of whatever they’re having. I must admit he looked very handsome in his grey suit.
He goes inside his jacket pocket and retrieves a card. I just received a call and I have to leave. This is my business card Ms Diana. I would hate for this to be the last time I see you and since we didn’t get a chance to talk tonight, would you give me a call sometime?
I take his card and smile. “Maybe.”
He smiles. “Well, you didn’t say no.” He backs away slowly. “Have a good night ladies.”
“You too. Thanks for the drink“, Erica said.
“No problem.” We watched him leave before we started talking.
“Girl you are good. We’ve been like twenty minutes and already you pulled a fine rich man.”
I laugh. “Yeah he’s cute.”
“Cute? No, like I said he is fine. He so fine, I wouldn’t take him home to meet momma cause she might want him! But, on a more serious note give me some pointers on how to get Mr. Antwan Johnson over there. He’s a big bear of a man just how I like them.”
“Well you can start by going to the bathroom and making eye contact with him. You have to look long enough for him to notice you, then look away like it never happened.”

Mike was starting to get suspicious. I had been spending more and more time away from home. Keith loved to wine and dine me. Tonight, he was taking me to the Signature Room, on the top floor of the John Hancock building. I had to meet him there. There was no way he could pick me up. Mike would go crazy.
I loved the restaurant. The soft lighting and the music really enhanced the romantic atmosphere. Besides you couldn’t get a better view of the Chicago skyline. Before I arrived he had already ordered an appetizer and a bottle of merlot. When it was time for us to order, he got a steak and so did I, except I had the filet mignon and he had the New York strip.
“You know, you never get a salad. I like that.”
“Do I strike you as one of those women who don’t eat on dates?”
“Oh no, but that’s how some women act on dates. They order a salad and still don’t eat all of it. Anyway, I still don’t know what to think about you since you rarely tell me anything.”
“Oh sure I have.”
“ You know where I grew up. I told you what school I went to. I told you about my family, but I get nothing from you.”
I sip my wine. I didn’t know where I wanted to start or if I would even share anything with him.
“You could tell me if you have any brothers and sisters.”
“Well, I have two sisters and two brothers.”
“Are you close with them?”
“No. I actually haven’t seen much of them since I left home six years ago. I could probably count on my hands the number of times I‘ve seen them. I talk to my brothers on the phone but not with my sisters.”
I was glad he didn’t ask why. I happened to be the fairest child my parents had. My sisters never said so, but they hated me for it. They didn’t want me around and treated me mean when I tried to include myself in whatever they were doing. My sister’s had convinced themselves I was the favorite. We all didn’t have shit so; I don’t know what made me the favorite.
“Why did you leave home?”
I smiled at him without speaking and he got the hint.
Ok another topic. “So, what do you do for a living?”
I smiled at him again.
“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”
I don’t respond.
“What are you? A stripper or something” he laughs.
“Maybe?”
“Really?”
“I was in the past.”
“That’s ok. I don’t judge.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not ashamed. It was in my past. I know there’s a stigma attached to it and many women find the idea of it degrading.”
“You don’t?” he asked in a neutral way like it was purely out of curiosity and not judgment.
“No. I would almost say it was liberating.”
“It’s like you’re comfortable with your sexuality.”
I laugh slightly. “Something like that.” Manipulation was a woman’s best friend. A woman could get a man to do anything she wanted. A lot of women don’t know this. A lot of women do know this, but just don’t know how. Some women have a way with words; others have a way with their bodies. These days I find I have a way with both. See I didn’t know about this power women had over men either until my first night at Riviera. That first night before I took the stage I was nervous as hell. After coming onstage and realizing how the men were transfixed by my every move, my nerves went away. I never felt so in control.
“On to a lighter topic, do you like to travel?”
“I like the idea of traveling.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ve never really went anywhere, but I would like to.”
“I’m heading to Vegas in a few days. It’s actually one of my favorite places to have a good time. I would love for you to come with me. I think you would have a good time as well. The shopping at Caesars Palace is amazing. Would you come with me? ”
Did he say shopping? He knows how to treat a girl. “I’ll think about.”
He smiles. “What, you didn’t say maybe.”


“Why the hell you so happy?” Mike asked as soon as I entered the door. I stopped in my tracks. He was sitting in a chair that faces the door. It was obvious he wanted me to see him as soon as I came in.
“What are you talking about?”
“Smiling and shit. That man on your brain huh?”
“Why are you tripping Mike? Have you been drinking?”
He gets off the chair and come stands directly in front of me. “Yeah, I been drinking, and that’s not what we talking about right now. I called you about three damn times and you didn’t answer the phone. I called Tiffany and Erica.”
Damn, I forgot to tell Erica to cover for me. I’m slipping.
“Yeah, Erica said something about you was in the bathroom and she was gone tell you to call me. I knew she was lying. I just got off the phone with her lying ass.”
My Lady Gaga ring tone filled the room. It was Erica. I wondered if I had a poker face right now. I ignored her call.
“Baby you crazy if you think I’m seeing somebody else. Aint nobody gone take care of me like you do baby.”
“You damn right.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He didn’t kiss me back. “You know I love you right baby?” I looked him straight in the eye. “You know you sexy as hell.” I reach under his tank top and feel all over his six-pack. I run my hands over the front of his jeans. “And baby you know, you put it down. Now why would I want somebody else baby? Huh baby?” I kiss his neck, the side of his mouth, his lips before playing with his ear with my tongue. I could feel him soften and harden at the same time.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back.
It was not my night. My phone went off. The sound seemed to echo throughout the room. I ignored it, hoping he would too. There was no such luck. My gut told me it was Keith and I stalled getting out my phone. He had stopped kissing me and was waiting on me to see who it was. I smile at him and look at my phone.
“Who the fuck is that?”
Before I could tell him it was Erica. He snatched my phone.
“Just making sure you got home safe.” He read the message out loud.
“Who the fuck is Keith? Huh?”
He backs me up into the door.
“I swear to god Diana, you better fucking answer me.”
He balled up fist and swung. I closed my eyes. He was no longer Mike. He became my father. I was no longer me. I was that little girl who hid under the table with my sister, watching my father chase my mother around the room, striking her upon catching her.
I looked at the damage done to the door. That could have been my face. I was breathing heavy when he backed away from me. I didn’t know what he was about to do. Someone somewhere knew I needed saving and called his phone.
“Who the fuck crazy enough to shoot one of my people?” He screamed in the phone. “I’m on my way.” He gathered his things and prepared to leave. “We’ll deal with this shit when I get back.”
He must be crazy as hell if he thought I was sticking around to become his punching bag. I packed as much as I could fit into two suitcases.
I got out my phone. When he answered I said, “I would love to go to Vegas.”


We walked hand in hand through Caesars Palace. He looks over at me, remember baby you can have whatever you like. We both laugh at his reference to T.I’s song. He did not have to tell me twice. I was about to burn in a hole in those credit cards. We walked a few more steps when I dramatically pause.
“What’s wrong?”
“Salvatore Ferragamo.” I grabbed his hand pulling him into the shoe store. If I could have whatever I like, I was about to get it.
I definitely loved my vacation. We flew first class. I was excited. My first time on a plane and its first class! Our room was huge, if you could even call it a room. He taught me how to play blackjack. Last night we drove down the strip. It was amazing. We went two shows and the most upscale strip club, I’ve ever seen. He asked me if I want a spa day tomorrow like I would turn it down.
Upon returning to the room, he ordered us room service. That was the best club sandwich I’ve ever had.
He laid across the king size bed, and I sat at the edge flipping through the channels stopping at the food network. “You love that channel. You’ve watched it every day we’ve been here. Are a foodie?”
“Maybe.” I actually loved to cook. My mother was a great cook and she taught me well. I loved trying new dishes. Tyler spoiled me in that regard. He knew the best restaurants in the city and he took me everywhere. Mike said I liked that bourgeois people food. His favorite restaurant was T.G.I Fridays.
He laughs. “There goes that word again. Anyway, your guy, Emeril has a restaurant here. Since you watch him all the time, I made reservations.”
“Really baby?”
“Yes baby. Tonight some of my friends are flying out and we supposed to have a poker game in the room. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I can amuse myself.”
“No, you could watch us play.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“It will be. Come here babe.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. I guess he wanted something in return for all of his generosity. I had no problem with that. He was sexy and I wanted to. It was time to sink my claws further into him.

His friends were just as successful as him if not more. One of his friends was Dexter Jones, the director. He did that new action movie, Tonight you Die. I’ve heard he’s been in the business for a while, but he’s had success recently with his last two movies. I could tell he was one of those nerdy guys in high school that everyone including himself thinks is cool now because of his success. Nerdy Dexter kept his eyes on me the whole night.
“Do you act Diana?” He asks.
“Uh oh Keith, Dexter over here is putting the moves on your girl. Everybody knows that’s a line these Hollywood guys use.”
He laughs. “No, I was just asking.” He turns his attention back to me. “You’re very beautiful. You would fit in well in Hollywood.”
“Hey Dexter, leave my woman alone” Keith joked as he shuffled the cards.
I made my exit before the jokes became real. Like I told him earlier, I could amuse myself.
I poured myself a glass of champagne, and went outside to our private hot tub to relax. I leaned back and closed my eyes.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”
I opened my eyes and smiled. “Why did you leave your friends?”
“I didn’t. After the last hand, I kicked them out. Mind if I join you?”
“Yes.” I was just about to get out. The chlorine and heat was starting to get to me. I got out and walked towards the glass door while he said nothing just watched. Half way there I took off my bikini top and let it fall to the floor.
I look back at him and ask, “Are you coming to bed?”
“I am now.”


I laid in bed that night thinking about what Dexter said. Would I really fit in well in Hollywood? Or, was he really just feeding me a line? I never thought about being an actress before. Considering my life was one act after another, I should be good at it. I had convinced my share of men that I loved them. Mm…



“Would you like a drink?” he asked. He was barefoot and wearing nothing but jeans.
“Sure what are you having?”
“Gin and tonic.”
“I’ll have that same.” That wasn’t really my style but then again I didn’t come here to drink. He says he does his best writing at night and my knock on the door had disturbed him. I offered to let him finish, but he insisted I come in.
“Here you go.” He took a seat in the chair next to the couch; not next to me like I’d hoped.
I drink the clear concoction and wondered why the hell he was drinking this nasty shit. I swallowed it and smiled.
“What are writing about?”
“Um. I was going for a drama, but it turned into an action movie. I was trying to get away from that. Long story short, it’s about a villain who’s terrorizing the city of New York. She’s”
“She?”
“Yeah I’m going for a sexy female villain. I’m trying to do something different. I mean I haven’t really flushed out my idea yet, so right now it isn’t much.”
I nod. “Well from what I heard, it sounds interesting. Maybe I could play the sexy villainess.”
He smiles. “You are sexy but you don’t seem like a villain. I think you may be too sweet.”
He couldn’t be serious. I definitely wasn’t sweet. “I am sweet” I said this and winked at him.
“You are?” He wore a mischievous grin across his face.
“You wanna find out?” I say before taking another sip of this horrid drink.
“Where’s Keith?” The smile disappeared like he was having second thoughts about betraying his friend.
I laugh. “You didn’t seem like you were into that. You want Keith to join us?”
He smiles and he waves his hands in front of him. “Nothing like that. No, I wasn’t asking does he know you’re gone? I don’t want him beating on my door looking for you.”
“Nope don’t worry. He’s knocked out. I guess he can’t handle his liquor.
I stand in front of him and un -tie my robe to reveal my black lace bra and panty set. He scoots t edge of the seat and he runs his hands up my thighs. I grab his hand.
“Let’s go to the bedroom.”
“You’re bad Diana” he remarks as he’s following me. “No wait. You’re dirty.”
“Mm I think that’s sound familiar”. I joke. I laugh as a line from the song pops into my head. ‘I’ll be your everything if you make me a star.’



It’s funny what difference a year could make. Leaving Keith for Dexter was a very smart move. Dexter was so sprung, he gave me the leading role in his movie, The Devil Wears Red. The studio wasn’t sure about another woman in a lead action since Catwoman flopped terribly. I guess America couldn’t resist these curves and we were number one opening weekend with $30 million. I almost passed out when I received my check.
My new found financial freedom was very unexpected. I had to ask myself what was the point of Dexter? I had my own home which is something I never had up until this point. I was always living with some man. It wasn’t the spacious beach front property, I aspired to have but it was wonderfully decorated. I bought a white Range Rover and I still had my Mercedes.
My agent/publicist, Toni called me up and told me it was someone she wanted me to meet. His name was Damien Charles and everyone said he was going to be the next Will Smith. He was handsome, charming and 15 years young’s younger than Will. She told me quite frankly that to take my career to the next level, I needed a celebrity relationship. “What’s better than one celebrity Diana? Two celebrities.” She asked and answered.
She was right it was all over People and countless other magazines. ‘Diana Russell leaves Dexter Jones for heart-throb Damien Charles.’ Dexter didn’t take it so well. He really thought we would be together. I had to change my number twice. Poor guy. Just when I thought I was done using guys here I go again.
Except with Damien, things were fun. I enjoyed his company and he seemed to enjoy mine. We went shopping and he brought me whatever I wanted. Usually the paparazzi would ‘discover’ out and about on Rodeo. We dined at Mr. Chows and once again the paparazzi would ‘discover’ us there as well. We made sure to be seen all across L.A. We were the hottest couple in Hollywood since Brad and Angelina.
In the short three months we’ve been together, I feel like we’ve made a connection. I’ve never had a guy treat me like him before. He’s caring and he listens to me. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex and he said we could take things slow. He had quickly become my best friend.

Tonight, he was cooking dinner for me at his house. His house was huge and on the beach. After dinner we took a walk on the beach and he told me more about growing up in North Carolina. He says he always wanted to act and his mother encouraged him along the way. ‘She’s my biggest supported so every time I’m nominated for something I have to make sure my mom is there’ I thought it was cute that he was such a momma’s boy.
As we walked barefoot through the sand, he pressured me to talk about my childhood. What do people feel the need to know everything about each other.
He held my hand and looked at me intently. “Come on tell me something.”
“O.k. Of course you know I grew up in Chicago. I lived with my mother and father and four siblings. To be honest I hated my childhood.”
“Why?”
“Well were poor and never had anything but the bare necessities. The kids used to tease us constantly about our clothing. We never had anything new. I fought with my sisters constantly. The house seemed to always be filled with anger. My mother tried her best but we were our father’s children.
“Was he a angry guy?”
“He was an angry violent drunk. He took his frustrations out on everyone. His whippings were borderline beatings. And he used to hit my mom. I asked why didn’t she leave him. She said I didn’t know the man he used to be. She said she didn’t believe in divorce and with god’s help things would get better. And most importantly she loved him. I thought if that’s love I never want to fall in love.”
He wiped the tear from my eye and kissed my forehead. I didn’t even know I was crying. He held me. It’s ok now Diana.
We walked in silence for awhile before I started to speak again. “ One of my best memories is when I was around seven or so. It was Christmas Eve and we pretty much knew we weren’t getting anything. My mom tried to cheer us up so we made chocolate chip cookies. She said Santa may stop by our house because we had the best cookies in the neighborhood. None of us thought Santa was coming because of some cookies but we had fun anyway. Right after my momma put us to bed; daddy came in the house and called us downstairs. He brought us each one gift.”
“The one thing you guys wanted?”
“Yeah. I wanted some doll. She was brown with black hair and she wore a white dress.”
“What does she do?”
“Nothing.” I laughed. “She does absolutely nothing. She doesn’t cry, or talk or anything. I have no idea why I wanted that boring ass doll. You know I still have it to this day.”
He looks serious briefly, and then asks me a question. “When is the last time you talked to your parents?”
“I left home when I was seventeen and I haven’t seen them since.
“Wow. Why did you leave home?”
“Can’t we talk about something else?” I thought about the last time I was home. Me and my mother were having yet another fight. I was the smart child who was supposed to excel in school and I did for awhile. Then I became more interested in boys especially after they became more interested in me. I dated the guys who could buy stuff for me because I couldn’t. I ended up barely passing and pregnant. I miscarried. The guy I was dating told me not to have our baby. He said he didn’t want it. I never looked at guys the same. I still wonder how my life would be if I had the child. I probably wouldn’t how I am.
“Hey what you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Let’s make a wager. I’ll race you back to the house. If you win we’ll drop this whole conversation. If I win you have to answer any question I ask.



“Thank you” I say as Damien hands me a glass of wine. We were sitting on the floor in his living area in front of the fireplace. I had my back against the couch with legs slightly outstretched. He lay on his side facing me.
“So I won. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“You’re the first man I ever loved.
He looked at me smiling. “You probably say to that to every guy he teased.”
“No really. For the first time I feel like I can be myself. It’s like if I’m not perfect you don’t care. You like me anyway. I’m not a sex object with you.” I smile at him when I say this.
“Yeah I’m the epitome of a gentleman.”
“Can I be honest with you?” I debated whether I should bring this up.
“You can tell me anything you know that.”
“I know your secret…”
“What are you tal-”
“No wait. I know you’re gay Damien.” I blurted it out.
He stayed quiet. Presumably debating whether he would come clean.
“If you knew why didn’t you say anything? Why did you stay? How did you know?”
“Ok damn you have a lot of questions. Well I didn’t say anything because obviously you didn’t want me to know. I officially figured it out when we went to Fernando’s tennis match. I couldn’t be sure but I thought you eyeing Fernando when you two were talking. Then your body language said you guys were more than just friends. But, before Fernando, I suspected it. How long have we’ve been seeing each other?” He laughs. “I mean come on a few dates and you’re a gentleman. After a month well three months and you’re just gay. Most men can’t three minutes to sleep with me.”
“Ok you figured me out.
“Mm hmm. So, I’m not the only one keeping secrets around here.
“I can’t believe you know. You didn’t answer my question why did you stay?”
“Well I just got a new role and another one in the works.”
“So you’re using me?”
“You’re using me.” He benefited from everyone thinking he was dating. The world probably wasn’t ready for a gay action hero just yet.
“I guess huh.”
“I just needed a break and here was my opportunity. I go from guy to guy without thinking twice, except once. I think I could have loved Keith. He was nice and thoughtful. There’s no going back only forward. Staying with you gave me a chance to figure out what I wanted and get what I wanted at the same time. Honestly, I still don’t know what I want.”
He comes and sits next to me and places his arm around me. I rest my head on his chest. “What am I going to do with you?”
I smile at him. “I think we already figured out you’re not going to do anything with me.”