feministing.com
I love this website it's so informative.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Gay Marriage
I mean come on, can't we all just get married.
An article on Obama's absurd stance on gay marriage, courtesy of The New Republic, inspired me to blog. The president everyone loves to hate is attacked for his ridiculous remarks about favoring civil unions over marriage, because marriage is a question of religion. This would be true if marriage was simply a heterosexual couple going before a religious leader and proclaiming love for each other, but that isn't the case, thats simply the wedding(for some). To be married the couple has to sign a legal document, hence marriage is a matter of law. And last time I checked, it is illegal to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation. So, for that reason alone, shouldn't gay marriage be legal?
An article on Obama's absurd stance on gay marriage, courtesy of The New Republic, inspired me to blog. The president everyone loves to hate is attacked for his ridiculous remarks about favoring civil unions over marriage, because marriage is a question of religion. This would be true if marriage was simply a heterosexual couple going before a religious leader and proclaiming love for each other, but that isn't the case, thats simply the wedding(for some). To be married the couple has to sign a legal document, hence marriage is a matter of law. And last time I checked, it is illegal to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation. So, for that reason alone, shouldn't gay marriage be legal?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Driven
My latest short story
I don’t know what I want. Oftentimes I feel like we all would be better off if we could just figure out what the hell we want. What is life really about? We finally make up our mind about what we think we want, get it, and realize maybe this isn’t it. Get your dream job, and then hate your boss. Get married, and then hate your spouse. Have children just to discover they’re just little cute monsters.
Commitment scares me especially long term. I won’t even sign a contract with a cell phone provider because it requires a two-year agreement. Prepaid all the way. I drift. I’m a drifter. When you can’t commit-you drift. Monotony bores me. It bores everyone whether they admit or not.
That’s why men cheat and also why more women should. Men think women don’t get bored with them, but we do. After awhile we know how you’re going to hold us, kiss us…stroke us. The only difference in most cases men have the balls to cheat and women don’t. No pun intended.
I’m not your usual drifter. I’m not a drifter in a nomadic sense. Usually I stay put as far as geography is concerned. I choose to drift from man to man. Not looking for love. I’m not one of those women. I would like to be one of those women, but I can’t because I know love doesn’t exist. Love is fleeting. Nothing more than an illusion.
I look for things. Yet, after awhile I’m not so sure what I’m looking for. See I don’t know what I want.
Fairy tales don’t exist. They haven’t existed for me at least.
My overly religious, somewhat hypocritical mother made it her business to call me a demon. We stood there, face to face in our small kitchen that reeked of stale chicken grease, while she went on and on about how she doesn’t know where she went wrong raising me; how a child as promising as me could end up so wrong? Honestly, all her children ended up wrong, but for some reason she took my less than mediocre status the hardest. Maybe she should have sent me to church more, maybe she should have monitored my friends all these maybes. Maybe she should shut the fuck up. Maybe I am a demon, but considering I didn’t voice this out loud out of respect, maybe I’m not a demon after all.
She didn’t understand why I acted the way I did. She said I stayed out too late. I hung around too many different guys and the girls I surrounded myself with were no better. She could imagine what type of things I got into when I wasn’t at home. I didn’t understand why she was so conservative and uptight. I would have agreed to disagree, but she wasn’t having that. She didn’t have to worry though I soon put her out of her misery. I got out of that dump she called home. She could have that cramped ass two bedroom house with four kids’, two grandchildren, and a drunk for a husband.
I had no idea why thoughts of my mother filled my head. I hated thinking about her not because I hated her, but because she reminds me of my old life, and I absolutely hated my old life. I was starting to get sad. Any minute the tears would fill my eyes.
“What’s wrong Diana?” Mike asked bringing me back to reality. He had rolled over placing his arm around me. He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. I could smell the Hennessy on his hot breath. I was hoping he would stay asleep because I wasn’t in the ‘mood’.
“Nothing baby.”
“You sure?” I could see the concern on his face.
Yet, I wasn’t fazed. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Yeah, baby go back to sleep.”
“Girl I’m up now.” He eyes me up and down and licks his lips. He wouldn’t believe I was on my period because he knew that last week. Damn.
“Baby you look sleepy to me.” He just laughs. He reaches over and grabs his glass off the table. “Bae can you make me another drink?”
“Sure.” I take his glass and head to the kitchen. I fill the glass with ice before I pour in the Hennessy and coke. I thought long and hard about lacing it with Tylenol PM which I’m sure would knock him clean the fuck out. Yet, at this point it may be too much after all the alcohol he had consumed. I wanted to avoid fucking him; I didn’t want to kill him.
I took a deep breath and headed back into the room.
I watched as he headed over and turned on the CD player. The smooth and sensual sounds of Maxwell came through the speakers. I continue watching half smiling as he drunkenly dances my way and takes the glass and pulls me close. Dance with me. We engage in some sort of uncoordinated slow dance. Any other day this would probably cheer me up. Not today. Today, I just want to be left alone.
We end up on the bed. I lay back and close my eyes. Why complain? This is why I’m here.
How I met Mike isn’t special. I was out shopping at the mall with a friend. We had stopped outside of Carson’s debating whether we were going to Victoria Secret or not. I could feel his eyes on me. I turn to look at him. He was about 5’11, had a medium brown complexion, his hair was cut short and he had a great smile. The tattoo on his neck added to his sex appeal, but I wasn’t a girl who gave a damn about how any guy looked.
He comes over to me and hands me his cell phone.
“Put your number in my phone, red bone” he says with a smile.
That was such a turn off. I hate it when men only liked me because they saw me as a light-skinned prize with hazel eyes. Admittedly, I loved my looks. My looks were the reason for my lifestyle. Men loved my aforementioned assets as well my breasts, small waist and ample behind. My dark hair was long and full thanks to my dad‘s mixed heritage. The only thing that I inherited from him that I liked.
“Aren’t you bold?” I felt no need to hide my sarcasm.
“No, I’m Mike.”
I didn’t laugh, “That was cute.” I see his expensive clothes and the diamond bracelet he was sporting and suddenly out of nowhere he became my type. Can you believe it?
Mike at 28 was five years older than me. He works in well let’s just say he works in ‘construction’. Like most guys like him, he has two kids. A bad ass little boy and girl who have re affirmed my pro-choice stance. Our first date he picks me in a black Mercedes and by the end of the night we were back in his lavish apartment and the rest is history.
I forgot all about Tyler, the guy I was dating when I met Mike. He was a nice guy. I met him while I worked at Riviera. This was a gentleman’s club in the southern suburbs of Chicago. After working at the club for a while, I realized the ones who stared the hardest were probably the biggest tricks. Tyler was the biggest sucker of them all. Tyler had a management position at some company; I forget the name. Hell, it doesn’t matter. He was not so easy on the eyes, chubby with an even bigger wallet. He was always trying to take me out, and initially I was like hell no! Aint nobody about to see me out and about with Fat Bastard’s black brother. Then I realized I was turning down a free meal at a nice restaurant. What was I thinking? At that point looks never mattered again. He’d spend as much as I wanted just to please me, but unfortunately bigger and better things awaited me which is funny because it’s hard to get bigger than Tyler.
Mike and me have been together for about a year and I’m starting to get that feeling. The feeling that says it’s time to go. I’ve been with him about six months too long.
But, you never quit one job until you have another lined up.
I called up my friend Erica and told her we needed to go out. I was on the prowl tonight. I let my hair down and applied my make-up. I put on my sexiest Gucci black dress- minus panties. Men loved that. My dress hugged my body in all the right places. There was no doubt; I would be turning heads tonight. My four inch red heels made my outfit pop. I adorned a few pieces of jewelry that Mike loved to spoil me with. Finally I sprayed on some Heiress perfume by Paris Hilton, the scent was intoxicating.
I pulled up to the James Hotel and waited for the valet to help me out my car. Mike had bought me a matching Mercedes except mine was blue. After entering the hotel, I headed straight to the bar. Erica was already there sipping on a cosmo.
“Have you been here a long time?” I asked.
“No. By now I realize when you say eight, you probably mean nine.”
“True.” I laughed. My perception of time was always a little off. I looked over Erica. The girl was pretty with a great sense of style, not as good as mine, but great nonetheless. It was important to surround yourself with pretty people. Most had the misconception that it was better to be the pretty girl in the group. I say it’s better to have a group of pretty girls because that attracts more attention.
“Can I see the drink menu?” I asked the bartender. He smiled at me as he handed me the menu. He was cute, but he definitely couldn’t afford me. I smiled back at him before ordering the Godiva chocolate cosmo.
“So, tell me why you wanted to come here?”
I looked at Erica. She was like my little protégé. I had to school her every time we were together and tonight was no different.”
“A lot of single guys with money come here to unwind. NBA players, bankers, basically like I said men with money. You don’t have the loud music of the club so you can actually talk to people. A woman like me who has expensive taste needs to know where to find men who can afford those tastes. This happens to be one of those places.”
“Ok girl. So who is here tonight?”
I turn my head to the left corner of the room. “Well, over there is number 5 his name is Andrews or something. He plays for the Bulls. Also sitting at that table is Johnson maybe Antwan and he’s a Chicago Bear. Over there we have Reginald Taylor-he’s a big shot at Bank of America. And finally over there is my personal favorite Keith Smith. He is an executive at a marketing firm and makes several million a year.”
“Why is he your favorite?”
I hunch my shoulders. “I don’t know there’s something about him.”
“How did you know these men would be in here?”
“Let’s just say, I do my homework.”
“I feel like I should be taking notes or something.”
“You should.”
Erica was so cute. I could just pinch her cheek. She reminded of my friend, Kim.
I started living with Kim and her family after I left home. Kim had about six brothers and sisters. So money in that household was tight, but at the same time me and Kim wasn’t trying to be going to school looking bogus. Kim had a boyfriend who was 22 or maybe he was 23. Anyways, he always had money and didn’t mind giving it to Kim either. He had a friend who, of course, had money like he did. These two chumps kept our nails and hair done and in the latest fashion and we, well, we kept them happy. A few months later after Kim and me barely made our asses across the stage to graduate; we decided we needed to get away from the 24-hour daycare center. I could have stayed home if I wanted to be crowded. We worked at McDonalds-hated it. We worked at Wal-mart-hated it. I become a hostess-not enough money. She became a waitress-hated it. We became strippers-loved it. It definitely paid enough. While Riviera gave me the opportunity to move on to bigger and better things. Kim not so much, Kim‘s boyfriend and his friend, my personal ATM went to jail. At that point, I forgot all about him, but Kim was convinced she was in love. Now she sending him money and taking time to go see him. I don’t have time for that. I need to be around women who are going for it all.
I notice Keith get up with a pack of cigarettes in his hand and head outside. I grabbed my purse and followed suit. I took out a cigarette and pretended to search my purse for a light. I walked over to him with an oldie, but goodie.
“Do you have a light?”
“Yes.” He proceeds to light my cigarette for me. After taking a puff I thank him.
“No problem.” He extends his free hand. “I’m Keith.”
“I’m Diana.” He tries to keep eye contact, but his eyes start to roam over my body. I smile inside.
“Nice to meet you Diana.”
“Same here.”
Maybe you will allow me to buy you a drink.”
“Maybe.” I walk back over to where I was standing seemingly uninterested. I quickly finish my cigarette and head back inside. He’s practically staring at me the whole time.
A few minutes later, he was by my side. I smile at Erica. He looks at the bartender. Give these ladies another of whatever they’re having. I must admit he looked very handsome in his grey suit.
He goes inside his jacket pocket and retrieves a card. I just received a call and I have to leave. This is my business card Ms Diana. I would hate for this to be the last time I see you and since we didn’t get a chance to talk tonight, would you give me a call sometime?
I take his card and smile. “Maybe.”
He smiles. “Well, you didn’t say no.” He backs away slowly. “Have a good night ladies.”
“You too. Thanks for the drink“, Erica said.
“No problem.” We watched him leave before we started talking.
“Girl you are good. We’ve been like twenty minutes and already you pulled a fine rich man.”
I laugh. “Yeah he’s cute.”
“Cute? No, like I said he is fine. He so fine, I wouldn’t take him home to meet momma cause she might want him! But, on a more serious note give me some pointers on how to get Mr. Antwan Johnson over there. He’s a big bear of a man just how I like them.”
“Well you can start by going to the bathroom and making eye contact with him. You have to look long enough for him to notice you, then look away like it never happened.”
Mike was starting to get suspicious. I had been spending more and more time away from home. Keith loved to wine and dine me. Tonight, he was taking me to the Signature Room, on the top floor of the John Hancock building. I had to meet him there. There was no way he could pick me up. Mike would go crazy.
I loved the restaurant. The soft lighting and the music really enhanced the romantic atmosphere. Besides you couldn’t get a better view of the Chicago skyline. Before I arrived he had already ordered an appetizer and a bottle of merlot. When it was time for us to order, he got a steak and so did I, except I had the filet mignon and he had the New York strip.
“You know, you never get a salad. I like that.”
“Do I strike you as one of those women who don’t eat on dates?”
“Oh no, but that’s how some women act on dates. They order a salad and still don’t eat all of it. Anyway, I still don’t know what to think about you since you rarely tell me anything.”
“Oh sure I have.”
“ You know where I grew up. I told you what school I went to. I told you about my family, but I get nothing from you.”
I sip my wine. I didn’t know where I wanted to start or if I would even share anything with him.
“You could tell me if you have any brothers and sisters.”
“Well, I have two sisters and two brothers.”
“Are you close with them?”
“No. I actually haven’t seen much of them since I left home six years ago. I could probably count on my hands the number of times I‘ve seen them. I talk to my brothers on the phone but not with my sisters.”
I was glad he didn’t ask why. I happened to be the fairest child my parents had. My sisters never said so, but they hated me for it. They didn’t want me around and treated me mean when I tried to include myself in whatever they were doing. My sister’s had convinced themselves I was the favorite. We all didn’t have shit so; I don’t know what made me the favorite.
“Why did you leave home?”
I smiled at him without speaking and he got the hint.
Ok another topic. “So, what do you do for a living?”
I smiled at him again.
“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”
I don’t respond.
“What are you? A stripper or something” he laughs.
“Maybe?”
“Really?”
“I was in the past.”
“That’s ok. I don’t judge.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not ashamed. It was in my past. I know there’s a stigma attached to it and many women find the idea of it degrading.”
“You don’t?” he asked in a neutral way like it was purely out of curiosity and not judgment.
“No. I would almost say it was liberating.”
“It’s like you’re comfortable with your sexuality.”
I laugh slightly. “Something like that.” Manipulation was a woman’s best friend. A woman could get a man to do anything she wanted. A lot of women don’t know this. A lot of women do know this, but just don’t know how. Some women have a way with words; others have a way with their bodies. These days I find I have a way with both. See I didn’t know about this power women had over men either until my first night at Riviera. That first night before I took the stage I was nervous as hell. After coming onstage and realizing how the men were transfixed by my every move, my nerves went away. I never felt so in control.
“On to a lighter topic, do you like to travel?”
“I like the idea of traveling.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ve never really went anywhere, but I would like to.”
“I’m heading to Vegas in a few days. It’s actually one of my favorite places to have a good time. I would love for you to come with me. I think you would have a good time as well. The shopping at Caesars Palace is amazing. Would you come with me? ”
Did he say shopping? He knows how to treat a girl. “I’ll think about.”
He smiles. “What, you didn’t say maybe.”
“Why the hell you so happy?” Mike asked as soon as I entered the door. I stopped in my tracks. He was sitting in a chair that faces the door. It was obvious he wanted me to see him as soon as I came in.
“What are you talking about?”
“Smiling and shit. That man on your brain huh?”
“Why are you tripping Mike? Have you been drinking?”
He gets off the chair and come stands directly in front of me. “Yeah, I been drinking, and that’s not what we talking about right now. I called you about three damn times and you didn’t answer the phone. I called Tiffany and Erica.”
Damn, I forgot to tell Erica to cover for me. I’m slipping.
“Yeah, Erica said something about you was in the bathroom and she was gone tell you to call me. I knew she was lying. I just got off the phone with her lying ass.”
My Lady Gaga ring tone filled the room. It was Erica. I wondered if I had a poker face right now. I ignored her call.
“Baby you crazy if you think I’m seeing somebody else. Aint nobody gone take care of me like you do baby.”
“You damn right.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He didn’t kiss me back. “You know I love you right baby?” I looked him straight in the eye. “You know you sexy as hell.” I reach under his tank top and feel all over his six-pack. I run my hands over the front of his jeans. “And baby you know, you put it down. Now why would I want somebody else baby? Huh baby?” I kiss his neck, the side of his mouth, his lips before playing with his ear with my tongue. I could feel him soften and harden at the same time.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back.
It was not my night. My phone went off. The sound seemed to echo throughout the room. I ignored it, hoping he would too. There was no such luck. My gut told me it was Keith and I stalled getting out my phone. He had stopped kissing me and was waiting on me to see who it was. I smile at him and look at my phone.
“Who the fuck is that?”
Before I could tell him it was Erica. He snatched my phone.
“Just making sure you got home safe.” He read the message out loud.
“Who the fuck is Keith? Huh?”
He backs me up into the door.
“I swear to god Diana, you better fucking answer me.”
He balled up fist and swung. I closed my eyes. He was no longer Mike. He became my father. I was no longer me. I was that little girl who hid under the table with my sister, watching my father chase my mother around the room, striking her upon catching her.
I looked at the damage done to the door. That could have been my face. I was breathing heavy when he backed away from me. I didn’t know what he was about to do. Someone somewhere knew I needed saving and called his phone.
“Who the fuck crazy enough to shoot one of my people?” He screamed in the phone. “I’m on my way.” He gathered his things and prepared to leave. “We’ll deal with this shit when I get back.”
He must be crazy as hell if he thought I was sticking around to become his punching bag. I packed as much as I could fit into two suitcases.
I got out my phone. When he answered I said, “I would love to go to Vegas.”
We walked hand in hand through Caesars Palace. He looks over at me, remember baby you can have whatever you like. We both laugh at his reference to T.I’s song. He did not have to tell me twice. I was about to burn in a hole in those credit cards. We walked a few more steps when I dramatically pause.
“What’s wrong?”
“Salvatore Ferragamo.” I grabbed his hand pulling him into the shoe store. If I could have whatever I like, I was about to get it.
I definitely loved my vacation. We flew first class. I was excited. My first time on a plane and its first class! Our room was huge, if you could even call it a room. He taught me how to play blackjack. Last night we drove down the strip. It was amazing. We went two shows and the most upscale strip club, I’ve ever seen. He asked me if I want a spa day tomorrow like I would turn it down.
Upon returning to the room, he ordered us room service. That was the best club sandwich I’ve ever had.
He laid across the king size bed, and I sat at the edge flipping through the channels stopping at the food network. “You love that channel. You’ve watched it every day we’ve been here. Are a foodie?”
“Maybe.” I actually loved to cook. My mother was a great cook and she taught me well. I loved trying new dishes. Tyler spoiled me in that regard. He knew the best restaurants in the city and he took me everywhere. Mike said I liked that bourgeois people food. His favorite restaurant was T.G.I Fridays.
He laughs. “There goes that word again. Anyway, your guy, Emeril has a restaurant here. Since you watch him all the time, I made reservations.”
“Really baby?”
“Yes baby. Tonight some of my friends are flying out and we supposed to have a poker game in the room. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I can amuse myself.”
“No, you could watch us play.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“It will be. Come here babe.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. I guess he wanted something in return for all of his generosity. I had no problem with that. He was sexy and I wanted to. It was time to sink my claws further into him.
His friends were just as successful as him if not more. One of his friends was Dexter Jones, the director. He did that new action movie, Tonight you Die. I’ve heard he’s been in the business for a while, but he’s had success recently with his last two movies. I could tell he was one of those nerdy guys in high school that everyone including himself thinks is cool now because of his success. Nerdy Dexter kept his eyes on me the whole night.
“Do you act Diana?” He asks.
“Uh oh Keith, Dexter over here is putting the moves on your girl. Everybody knows that’s a line these Hollywood guys use.”
He laughs. “No, I was just asking.” He turns his attention back to me. “You’re very beautiful. You would fit in well in Hollywood.”
“Hey Dexter, leave my woman alone” Keith joked as he shuffled the cards.
I made my exit before the jokes became real. Like I told him earlier, I could amuse myself.
I poured myself a glass of champagne, and went outside to our private hot tub to relax. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
“Are you enjoying yourself?”
I opened my eyes and smiled. “Why did you leave your friends?”
“I didn’t. After the last hand, I kicked them out. Mind if I join you?”
“Yes.” I was just about to get out. The chlorine and heat was starting to get to me. I got out and walked towards the glass door while he said nothing just watched. Half way there I took off my bikini top and let it fall to the floor.
I look back at him and ask, “Are you coming to bed?”
“I am now.”
I laid in bed that night thinking about what Dexter said. Would I really fit in well in Hollywood? Or, was he really just feeding me a line? I never thought about being an actress before. Considering my life was one act after another, I should be good at it. I had convinced my share of men that I loved them. Mm…
“Would you like a drink?” he asked. He was barefoot and wearing nothing but jeans.
“Sure what are you having?”
“Gin and tonic.”
“I’ll have that same.” That wasn’t really my style but then again I didn’t come here to drink. He says he does his best writing at night and my knock on the door had disturbed him. I offered to let him finish, but he insisted I come in.
“Here you go.” He took a seat in the chair next to the couch; not next to me like I’d hoped.
I drink the clear concoction and wondered why the hell he was drinking this nasty shit. I swallowed it and smiled.
“What are writing about?”
“Um. I was going for a drama, but it turned into an action movie. I was trying to get away from that. Long story short, it’s about a villain who’s terrorizing the city of New York. She’s”
“She?”
“Yeah I’m going for a sexy female villain. I’m trying to do something different. I mean I haven’t really flushed out my idea yet, so right now it isn’t much.”
I nod. “Well from what I heard, it sounds interesting. Maybe I could play the sexy villainess.”
He smiles. “You are sexy but you don’t seem like a villain. I think you may be too sweet.”
He couldn’t be serious. I definitely wasn’t sweet. “I am sweet” I said this and winked at him.
“You are?” He wore a mischievous grin across his face.
“You wanna find out?” I say before taking another sip of this horrid drink.
“Where’s Keith?” The smile disappeared like he was having second thoughts about betraying his friend.
I laugh. “You didn’t seem like you were into that. You want Keith to join us?”
He smiles and he waves his hands in front of him. “Nothing like that. No, I wasn’t asking does he know you’re gone? I don’t want him beating on my door looking for you.”
“Nope don’t worry. He’s knocked out. I guess he can’t handle his liquor.
I stand in front of him and un -tie my robe to reveal my black lace bra and panty set. He scoots t edge of the seat and he runs his hands up my thighs. I grab his hand.
“Let’s go to the bedroom.”
“You’re bad Diana” he remarks as he’s following me. “No wait. You’re dirty.”
“Mm I think that’s sound familiar”. I joke. I laugh as a line from the song pops into my head. ‘I’ll be your everything if you make me a star.’
It’s funny what difference a year could make. Leaving Keith for Dexter was a very smart move. Dexter was so sprung, he gave me the leading role in his movie, The Devil Wears Red. The studio wasn’t sure about another woman in a lead action since Catwoman flopped terribly. I guess America couldn’t resist these curves and we were number one opening weekend with $30 million. I almost passed out when I received my check.
My new found financial freedom was very unexpected. I had to ask myself what was the point of Dexter? I had my own home which is something I never had up until this point. I was always living with some man. It wasn’t the spacious beach front property, I aspired to have but it was wonderfully decorated. I bought a white Range Rover and I still had my Mercedes.
My agent/publicist, Toni called me up and told me it was someone she wanted me to meet. His name was Damien Charles and everyone said he was going to be the next Will Smith. He was handsome, charming and 15 years young’s younger than Will. She told me quite frankly that to take my career to the next level, I needed a celebrity relationship. “What’s better than one celebrity Diana? Two celebrities.” She asked and answered.
She was right it was all over People and countless other magazines. ‘Diana Russell leaves Dexter Jones for heart-throb Damien Charles.’ Dexter didn’t take it so well. He really thought we would be together. I had to change my number twice. Poor guy. Just when I thought I was done using guys here I go again.
Except with Damien, things were fun. I enjoyed his company and he seemed to enjoy mine. We went shopping and he brought me whatever I wanted. Usually the paparazzi would ‘discover’ out and about on Rodeo. We dined at Mr. Chows and once again the paparazzi would ‘discover’ us there as well. We made sure to be seen all across L.A. We were the hottest couple in Hollywood since Brad and Angelina.
In the short three months we’ve been together, I feel like we’ve made a connection. I’ve never had a guy treat me like him before. He’s caring and he listens to me. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex and he said we could take things slow. He had quickly become my best friend.
Tonight, he was cooking dinner for me at his house. His house was huge and on the beach. After dinner we took a walk on the beach and he told me more about growing up in North Carolina. He says he always wanted to act and his mother encouraged him along the way. ‘She’s my biggest supported so every time I’m nominated for something I have to make sure my mom is there’ I thought it was cute that he was such a momma’s boy.
As we walked barefoot through the sand, he pressured me to talk about my childhood. What do people feel the need to know everything about each other.
He held my hand and looked at me intently. “Come on tell me something.”
“O.k. Of course you know I grew up in Chicago. I lived with my mother and father and four siblings. To be honest I hated my childhood.”
“Why?”
“Well were poor and never had anything but the bare necessities. The kids used to tease us constantly about our clothing. We never had anything new. I fought with my sisters constantly. The house seemed to always be filled with anger. My mother tried her best but we were our father’s children.
“Was he a angry guy?”
“He was an angry violent drunk. He took his frustrations out on everyone. His whippings were borderline beatings. And he used to hit my mom. I asked why didn’t she leave him. She said I didn’t know the man he used to be. She said she didn’t believe in divorce and with god’s help things would get better. And most importantly she loved him. I thought if that’s love I never want to fall in love.”
He wiped the tear from my eye and kissed my forehead. I didn’t even know I was crying. He held me. It’s ok now Diana.
We walked in silence for awhile before I started to speak again. “ One of my best memories is when I was around seven or so. It was Christmas Eve and we pretty much knew we weren’t getting anything. My mom tried to cheer us up so we made chocolate chip cookies. She said Santa may stop by our house because we had the best cookies in the neighborhood. None of us thought Santa was coming because of some cookies but we had fun anyway. Right after my momma put us to bed; daddy came in the house and called us downstairs. He brought us each one gift.”
“The one thing you guys wanted?”
“Yeah. I wanted some doll. She was brown with black hair and she wore a white dress.”
“What does she do?”
“Nothing.” I laughed. “She does absolutely nothing. She doesn’t cry, or talk or anything. I have no idea why I wanted that boring ass doll. You know I still have it to this day.”
He looks serious briefly, and then asks me a question. “When is the last time you talked to your parents?”
“I left home when I was seventeen and I haven’t seen them since.
“Wow. Why did you leave home?”
“Can’t we talk about something else?” I thought about the last time I was home. Me and my mother were having yet another fight. I was the smart child who was supposed to excel in school and I did for awhile. Then I became more interested in boys especially after they became more interested in me. I dated the guys who could buy stuff for me because I couldn’t. I ended up barely passing and pregnant. I miscarried. The guy I was dating told me not to have our baby. He said he didn’t want it. I never looked at guys the same. I still wonder how my life would be if I had the child. I probably wouldn’t how I am.
“Hey what you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Let’s make a wager. I’ll race you back to the house. If you win we’ll drop this whole conversation. If I win you have to answer any question I ask.
“Thank you” I say as Damien hands me a glass of wine. We were sitting on the floor in his living area in front of the fireplace. I had my back against the couch with legs slightly outstretched. He lay on his side facing me.
“So I won. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“You’re the first man I ever loved.
He looked at me smiling. “You probably say to that to every guy he teased.”
“No really. For the first time I feel like I can be myself. It’s like if I’m not perfect you don’t care. You like me anyway. I’m not a sex object with you.” I smile at him when I say this.
“Yeah I’m the epitome of a gentleman.”
“Can I be honest with you?” I debated whether I should bring this up.
“You can tell me anything you know that.”
“I know your secret…”
“What are you tal-”
“No wait. I know you’re gay Damien.” I blurted it out.
He stayed quiet. Presumably debating whether he would come clean.
“If you knew why didn’t you say anything? Why did you stay? How did you know?”
“Ok damn you have a lot of questions. Well I didn’t say anything because obviously you didn’t want me to know. I officially figured it out when we went to Fernando’s tennis match. I couldn’t be sure but I thought you eyeing Fernando when you two were talking. Then your body language said you guys were more than just friends. But, before Fernando, I suspected it. How long have we’ve been seeing each other?” He laughs. “I mean come on a few dates and you’re a gentleman. After a month well three months and you’re just gay. Most men can’t three minutes to sleep with me.”
“Ok you figured me out.
“Mm hmm. So, I’m not the only one keeping secrets around here.
“I can’t believe you know. You didn’t answer my question why did you stay?”
“Well I just got a new role and another one in the works.”
“So you’re using me?”
“You’re using me.” He benefited from everyone thinking he was dating. The world probably wasn’t ready for a gay action hero just yet.
“I guess huh.”
“I just needed a break and here was my opportunity. I go from guy to guy without thinking twice, except once. I think I could have loved Keith. He was nice and thoughtful. There’s no going back only forward. Staying with you gave me a chance to figure out what I wanted and get what I wanted at the same time. Honestly, I still don’t know what I want.”
He comes and sits next to me and places his arm around me. I rest my head on his chest. “What am I going to do with you?”
I smile at him. “I think we already figured out you’re not going to do anything with me.”
I don’t know what I want. Oftentimes I feel like we all would be better off if we could just figure out what the hell we want. What is life really about? We finally make up our mind about what we think we want, get it, and realize maybe this isn’t it. Get your dream job, and then hate your boss. Get married, and then hate your spouse. Have children just to discover they’re just little cute monsters.
Commitment scares me especially long term. I won’t even sign a contract with a cell phone provider because it requires a two-year agreement. Prepaid all the way. I drift. I’m a drifter. When you can’t commit-you drift. Monotony bores me. It bores everyone whether they admit or not.
That’s why men cheat and also why more women should. Men think women don’t get bored with them, but we do. After awhile we know how you’re going to hold us, kiss us…stroke us. The only difference in most cases men have the balls to cheat and women don’t. No pun intended.
I’m not your usual drifter. I’m not a drifter in a nomadic sense. Usually I stay put as far as geography is concerned. I choose to drift from man to man. Not looking for love. I’m not one of those women. I would like to be one of those women, but I can’t because I know love doesn’t exist. Love is fleeting. Nothing more than an illusion.
I look for things. Yet, after awhile I’m not so sure what I’m looking for. See I don’t know what I want.
Fairy tales don’t exist. They haven’t existed for me at least.
My overly religious, somewhat hypocritical mother made it her business to call me a demon. We stood there, face to face in our small kitchen that reeked of stale chicken grease, while she went on and on about how she doesn’t know where she went wrong raising me; how a child as promising as me could end up so wrong? Honestly, all her children ended up wrong, but for some reason she took my less than mediocre status the hardest. Maybe she should have sent me to church more, maybe she should have monitored my friends all these maybes. Maybe she should shut the fuck up. Maybe I am a demon, but considering I didn’t voice this out loud out of respect, maybe I’m not a demon after all.
She didn’t understand why I acted the way I did. She said I stayed out too late. I hung around too many different guys and the girls I surrounded myself with were no better. She could imagine what type of things I got into when I wasn’t at home. I didn’t understand why she was so conservative and uptight. I would have agreed to disagree, but she wasn’t having that. She didn’t have to worry though I soon put her out of her misery. I got out of that dump she called home. She could have that cramped ass two bedroom house with four kids’, two grandchildren, and a drunk for a husband.
I had no idea why thoughts of my mother filled my head. I hated thinking about her not because I hated her, but because she reminds me of my old life, and I absolutely hated my old life. I was starting to get sad. Any minute the tears would fill my eyes.
“What’s wrong Diana?” Mike asked bringing me back to reality. He had rolled over placing his arm around me. He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. I could smell the Hennessy on his hot breath. I was hoping he would stay asleep because I wasn’t in the ‘mood’.
“Nothing baby.”
“You sure?” I could see the concern on his face.
Yet, I wasn’t fazed. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Yeah, baby go back to sleep.”
“Girl I’m up now.” He eyes me up and down and licks his lips. He wouldn’t believe I was on my period because he knew that last week. Damn.
“Baby you look sleepy to me.” He just laughs. He reaches over and grabs his glass off the table. “Bae can you make me another drink?”
“Sure.” I take his glass and head to the kitchen. I fill the glass with ice before I pour in the Hennessy and coke. I thought long and hard about lacing it with Tylenol PM which I’m sure would knock him clean the fuck out. Yet, at this point it may be too much after all the alcohol he had consumed. I wanted to avoid fucking him; I didn’t want to kill him.
I took a deep breath and headed back into the room.
I watched as he headed over and turned on the CD player. The smooth and sensual sounds of Maxwell came through the speakers. I continue watching half smiling as he drunkenly dances my way and takes the glass and pulls me close. Dance with me. We engage in some sort of uncoordinated slow dance. Any other day this would probably cheer me up. Not today. Today, I just want to be left alone.
We end up on the bed. I lay back and close my eyes. Why complain? This is why I’m here.
How I met Mike isn’t special. I was out shopping at the mall with a friend. We had stopped outside of Carson’s debating whether we were going to Victoria Secret or not. I could feel his eyes on me. I turn to look at him. He was about 5’11, had a medium brown complexion, his hair was cut short and he had a great smile. The tattoo on his neck added to his sex appeal, but I wasn’t a girl who gave a damn about how any guy looked.
He comes over to me and hands me his cell phone.
“Put your number in my phone, red bone” he says with a smile.
That was such a turn off. I hate it when men only liked me because they saw me as a light-skinned prize with hazel eyes. Admittedly, I loved my looks. My looks were the reason for my lifestyle. Men loved my aforementioned assets as well my breasts, small waist and ample behind. My dark hair was long and full thanks to my dad‘s mixed heritage. The only thing that I inherited from him that I liked.
“Aren’t you bold?” I felt no need to hide my sarcasm.
“No, I’m Mike.”
I didn’t laugh, “That was cute.” I see his expensive clothes and the diamond bracelet he was sporting and suddenly out of nowhere he became my type. Can you believe it?
Mike at 28 was five years older than me. He works in well let’s just say he works in ‘construction’. Like most guys like him, he has two kids. A bad ass little boy and girl who have re affirmed my pro-choice stance. Our first date he picks me in a black Mercedes and by the end of the night we were back in his lavish apartment and the rest is history.
I forgot all about Tyler, the guy I was dating when I met Mike. He was a nice guy. I met him while I worked at Riviera. This was a gentleman’s club in the southern suburbs of Chicago. After working at the club for a while, I realized the ones who stared the hardest were probably the biggest tricks. Tyler was the biggest sucker of them all. Tyler had a management position at some company; I forget the name. Hell, it doesn’t matter. He was not so easy on the eyes, chubby with an even bigger wallet. He was always trying to take me out, and initially I was like hell no! Aint nobody about to see me out and about with Fat Bastard’s black brother. Then I realized I was turning down a free meal at a nice restaurant. What was I thinking? At that point looks never mattered again. He’d spend as much as I wanted just to please me, but unfortunately bigger and better things awaited me which is funny because it’s hard to get bigger than Tyler.
Mike and me have been together for about a year and I’m starting to get that feeling. The feeling that says it’s time to go. I’ve been with him about six months too long.
But, you never quit one job until you have another lined up.
I called up my friend Erica and told her we needed to go out. I was on the prowl tonight. I let my hair down and applied my make-up. I put on my sexiest Gucci black dress- minus panties. Men loved that. My dress hugged my body in all the right places. There was no doubt; I would be turning heads tonight. My four inch red heels made my outfit pop. I adorned a few pieces of jewelry that Mike loved to spoil me with. Finally I sprayed on some Heiress perfume by Paris Hilton, the scent was intoxicating.
I pulled up to the James Hotel and waited for the valet to help me out my car. Mike had bought me a matching Mercedes except mine was blue. After entering the hotel, I headed straight to the bar. Erica was already there sipping on a cosmo.
“Have you been here a long time?” I asked.
“No. By now I realize when you say eight, you probably mean nine.”
“True.” I laughed. My perception of time was always a little off. I looked over Erica. The girl was pretty with a great sense of style, not as good as mine, but great nonetheless. It was important to surround yourself with pretty people. Most had the misconception that it was better to be the pretty girl in the group. I say it’s better to have a group of pretty girls because that attracts more attention.
“Can I see the drink menu?” I asked the bartender. He smiled at me as he handed me the menu. He was cute, but he definitely couldn’t afford me. I smiled back at him before ordering the Godiva chocolate cosmo.
“So, tell me why you wanted to come here?”
I looked at Erica. She was like my little protégé. I had to school her every time we were together and tonight was no different.”
“A lot of single guys with money come here to unwind. NBA players, bankers, basically like I said men with money. You don’t have the loud music of the club so you can actually talk to people. A woman like me who has expensive taste needs to know where to find men who can afford those tastes. This happens to be one of those places.”
“Ok girl. So who is here tonight?”
I turn my head to the left corner of the room. “Well, over there is number 5 his name is Andrews or something. He plays for the Bulls. Also sitting at that table is Johnson maybe Antwan and he’s a Chicago Bear. Over there we have Reginald Taylor-he’s a big shot at Bank of America. And finally over there is my personal favorite Keith Smith. He is an executive at a marketing firm and makes several million a year.”
“Why is he your favorite?”
I hunch my shoulders. “I don’t know there’s something about him.”
“How did you know these men would be in here?”
“Let’s just say, I do my homework.”
“I feel like I should be taking notes or something.”
“You should.”
Erica was so cute. I could just pinch her cheek. She reminded of my friend, Kim.
I started living with Kim and her family after I left home. Kim had about six brothers and sisters. So money in that household was tight, but at the same time me and Kim wasn’t trying to be going to school looking bogus. Kim had a boyfriend who was 22 or maybe he was 23. Anyways, he always had money and didn’t mind giving it to Kim either. He had a friend who, of course, had money like he did. These two chumps kept our nails and hair done and in the latest fashion and we, well, we kept them happy. A few months later after Kim and me barely made our asses across the stage to graduate; we decided we needed to get away from the 24-hour daycare center. I could have stayed home if I wanted to be crowded. We worked at McDonalds-hated it. We worked at Wal-mart-hated it. I become a hostess-not enough money. She became a waitress-hated it. We became strippers-loved it. It definitely paid enough. While Riviera gave me the opportunity to move on to bigger and better things. Kim not so much, Kim‘s boyfriend and his friend, my personal ATM went to jail. At that point, I forgot all about him, but Kim was convinced she was in love. Now she sending him money and taking time to go see him. I don’t have time for that. I need to be around women who are going for it all.
I notice Keith get up with a pack of cigarettes in his hand and head outside. I grabbed my purse and followed suit. I took out a cigarette and pretended to search my purse for a light. I walked over to him with an oldie, but goodie.
“Do you have a light?”
“Yes.” He proceeds to light my cigarette for me. After taking a puff I thank him.
“No problem.” He extends his free hand. “I’m Keith.”
“I’m Diana.” He tries to keep eye contact, but his eyes start to roam over my body. I smile inside.
“Nice to meet you Diana.”
“Same here.”
Maybe you will allow me to buy you a drink.”
“Maybe.” I walk back over to where I was standing seemingly uninterested. I quickly finish my cigarette and head back inside. He’s practically staring at me the whole time.
A few minutes later, he was by my side. I smile at Erica. He looks at the bartender. Give these ladies another of whatever they’re having. I must admit he looked very handsome in his grey suit.
He goes inside his jacket pocket and retrieves a card. I just received a call and I have to leave. This is my business card Ms Diana. I would hate for this to be the last time I see you and since we didn’t get a chance to talk tonight, would you give me a call sometime?
I take his card and smile. “Maybe.”
He smiles. “Well, you didn’t say no.” He backs away slowly. “Have a good night ladies.”
“You too. Thanks for the drink“, Erica said.
“No problem.” We watched him leave before we started talking.
“Girl you are good. We’ve been like twenty minutes and already you pulled a fine rich man.”
I laugh. “Yeah he’s cute.”
“Cute? No, like I said he is fine. He so fine, I wouldn’t take him home to meet momma cause she might want him! But, on a more serious note give me some pointers on how to get Mr. Antwan Johnson over there. He’s a big bear of a man just how I like them.”
“Well you can start by going to the bathroom and making eye contact with him. You have to look long enough for him to notice you, then look away like it never happened.”
Mike was starting to get suspicious. I had been spending more and more time away from home. Keith loved to wine and dine me. Tonight, he was taking me to the Signature Room, on the top floor of the John Hancock building. I had to meet him there. There was no way he could pick me up. Mike would go crazy.
I loved the restaurant. The soft lighting and the music really enhanced the romantic atmosphere. Besides you couldn’t get a better view of the Chicago skyline. Before I arrived he had already ordered an appetizer and a bottle of merlot. When it was time for us to order, he got a steak and so did I, except I had the filet mignon and he had the New York strip.
“You know, you never get a salad. I like that.”
“Do I strike you as one of those women who don’t eat on dates?”
“Oh no, but that’s how some women act on dates. They order a salad and still don’t eat all of it. Anyway, I still don’t know what to think about you since you rarely tell me anything.”
“Oh sure I have.”
“ You know where I grew up. I told you what school I went to. I told you about my family, but I get nothing from you.”
I sip my wine. I didn’t know where I wanted to start or if I would even share anything with him.
“You could tell me if you have any brothers and sisters.”
“Well, I have two sisters and two brothers.”
“Are you close with them?”
“No. I actually haven’t seen much of them since I left home six years ago. I could probably count on my hands the number of times I‘ve seen them. I talk to my brothers on the phone but not with my sisters.”
I was glad he didn’t ask why. I happened to be the fairest child my parents had. My sisters never said so, but they hated me for it. They didn’t want me around and treated me mean when I tried to include myself in whatever they were doing. My sister’s had convinced themselves I was the favorite. We all didn’t have shit so; I don’t know what made me the favorite.
“Why did you leave home?”
I smiled at him without speaking and he got the hint.
Ok another topic. “So, what do you do for a living?”
I smiled at him again.
“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”
I don’t respond.
“What are you? A stripper or something” he laughs.
“Maybe?”
“Really?”
“I was in the past.”
“That’s ok. I don’t judge.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not ashamed. It was in my past. I know there’s a stigma attached to it and many women find the idea of it degrading.”
“You don’t?” he asked in a neutral way like it was purely out of curiosity and not judgment.
“No. I would almost say it was liberating.”
“It’s like you’re comfortable with your sexuality.”
I laugh slightly. “Something like that.” Manipulation was a woman’s best friend. A woman could get a man to do anything she wanted. A lot of women don’t know this. A lot of women do know this, but just don’t know how. Some women have a way with words; others have a way with their bodies. These days I find I have a way with both. See I didn’t know about this power women had over men either until my first night at Riviera. That first night before I took the stage I was nervous as hell. After coming onstage and realizing how the men were transfixed by my every move, my nerves went away. I never felt so in control.
“On to a lighter topic, do you like to travel?”
“I like the idea of traveling.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ve never really went anywhere, but I would like to.”
“I’m heading to Vegas in a few days. It’s actually one of my favorite places to have a good time. I would love for you to come with me. I think you would have a good time as well. The shopping at Caesars Palace is amazing. Would you come with me? ”
Did he say shopping? He knows how to treat a girl. “I’ll think about.”
He smiles. “What, you didn’t say maybe.”
“Why the hell you so happy?” Mike asked as soon as I entered the door. I stopped in my tracks. He was sitting in a chair that faces the door. It was obvious he wanted me to see him as soon as I came in.
“What are you talking about?”
“Smiling and shit. That man on your brain huh?”
“Why are you tripping Mike? Have you been drinking?”
He gets off the chair and come stands directly in front of me. “Yeah, I been drinking, and that’s not what we talking about right now. I called you about three damn times and you didn’t answer the phone. I called Tiffany and Erica.”
Damn, I forgot to tell Erica to cover for me. I’m slipping.
“Yeah, Erica said something about you was in the bathroom and she was gone tell you to call me. I knew she was lying. I just got off the phone with her lying ass.”
My Lady Gaga ring tone filled the room. It was Erica. I wondered if I had a poker face right now. I ignored her call.
“Baby you crazy if you think I’m seeing somebody else. Aint nobody gone take care of me like you do baby.”
“You damn right.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He didn’t kiss me back. “You know I love you right baby?” I looked him straight in the eye. “You know you sexy as hell.” I reach under his tank top and feel all over his six-pack. I run my hands over the front of his jeans. “And baby you know, you put it down. Now why would I want somebody else baby? Huh baby?” I kiss his neck, the side of his mouth, his lips before playing with his ear with my tongue. I could feel him soften and harden at the same time.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back.
It was not my night. My phone went off. The sound seemed to echo throughout the room. I ignored it, hoping he would too. There was no such luck. My gut told me it was Keith and I stalled getting out my phone. He had stopped kissing me and was waiting on me to see who it was. I smile at him and look at my phone.
“Who the fuck is that?”
Before I could tell him it was Erica. He snatched my phone.
“Just making sure you got home safe.” He read the message out loud.
“Who the fuck is Keith? Huh?”
He backs me up into the door.
“I swear to god Diana, you better fucking answer me.”
He balled up fist and swung. I closed my eyes. He was no longer Mike. He became my father. I was no longer me. I was that little girl who hid under the table with my sister, watching my father chase my mother around the room, striking her upon catching her.
I looked at the damage done to the door. That could have been my face. I was breathing heavy when he backed away from me. I didn’t know what he was about to do. Someone somewhere knew I needed saving and called his phone.
“Who the fuck crazy enough to shoot one of my people?” He screamed in the phone. “I’m on my way.” He gathered his things and prepared to leave. “We’ll deal with this shit when I get back.”
He must be crazy as hell if he thought I was sticking around to become his punching bag. I packed as much as I could fit into two suitcases.
I got out my phone. When he answered I said, “I would love to go to Vegas.”
We walked hand in hand through Caesars Palace. He looks over at me, remember baby you can have whatever you like. We both laugh at his reference to T.I’s song. He did not have to tell me twice. I was about to burn in a hole in those credit cards. We walked a few more steps when I dramatically pause.
“What’s wrong?”
“Salvatore Ferragamo.” I grabbed his hand pulling him into the shoe store. If I could have whatever I like, I was about to get it.
I definitely loved my vacation. We flew first class. I was excited. My first time on a plane and its first class! Our room was huge, if you could even call it a room. He taught me how to play blackjack. Last night we drove down the strip. It was amazing. We went two shows and the most upscale strip club, I’ve ever seen. He asked me if I want a spa day tomorrow like I would turn it down.
Upon returning to the room, he ordered us room service. That was the best club sandwich I’ve ever had.
He laid across the king size bed, and I sat at the edge flipping through the channels stopping at the food network. “You love that channel. You’ve watched it every day we’ve been here. Are a foodie?”
“Maybe.” I actually loved to cook. My mother was a great cook and she taught me well. I loved trying new dishes. Tyler spoiled me in that regard. He knew the best restaurants in the city and he took me everywhere. Mike said I liked that bourgeois people food. His favorite restaurant was T.G.I Fridays.
He laughs. “There goes that word again. Anyway, your guy, Emeril has a restaurant here. Since you watch him all the time, I made reservations.”
“Really baby?”
“Yes baby. Tonight some of my friends are flying out and we supposed to have a poker game in the room. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I can amuse myself.”
“No, you could watch us play.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“It will be. Come here babe.” He patted the spot on the bed next to him. I guess he wanted something in return for all of his generosity. I had no problem with that. He was sexy and I wanted to. It was time to sink my claws further into him.
His friends were just as successful as him if not more. One of his friends was Dexter Jones, the director. He did that new action movie, Tonight you Die. I’ve heard he’s been in the business for a while, but he’s had success recently with his last two movies. I could tell he was one of those nerdy guys in high school that everyone including himself thinks is cool now because of his success. Nerdy Dexter kept his eyes on me the whole night.
“Do you act Diana?” He asks.
“Uh oh Keith, Dexter over here is putting the moves on your girl. Everybody knows that’s a line these Hollywood guys use.”
He laughs. “No, I was just asking.” He turns his attention back to me. “You’re very beautiful. You would fit in well in Hollywood.”
“Hey Dexter, leave my woman alone” Keith joked as he shuffled the cards.
I made my exit before the jokes became real. Like I told him earlier, I could amuse myself.
I poured myself a glass of champagne, and went outside to our private hot tub to relax. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
“Are you enjoying yourself?”
I opened my eyes and smiled. “Why did you leave your friends?”
“I didn’t. After the last hand, I kicked them out. Mind if I join you?”
“Yes.” I was just about to get out. The chlorine and heat was starting to get to me. I got out and walked towards the glass door while he said nothing just watched. Half way there I took off my bikini top and let it fall to the floor.
I look back at him and ask, “Are you coming to bed?”
“I am now.”
I laid in bed that night thinking about what Dexter said. Would I really fit in well in Hollywood? Or, was he really just feeding me a line? I never thought about being an actress before. Considering my life was one act after another, I should be good at it. I had convinced my share of men that I loved them. Mm…
“Would you like a drink?” he asked. He was barefoot and wearing nothing but jeans.
“Sure what are you having?”
“Gin and tonic.”
“I’ll have that same.” That wasn’t really my style but then again I didn’t come here to drink. He says he does his best writing at night and my knock on the door had disturbed him. I offered to let him finish, but he insisted I come in.
“Here you go.” He took a seat in the chair next to the couch; not next to me like I’d hoped.
I drink the clear concoction and wondered why the hell he was drinking this nasty shit. I swallowed it and smiled.
“What are writing about?”
“Um. I was going for a drama, but it turned into an action movie. I was trying to get away from that. Long story short, it’s about a villain who’s terrorizing the city of New York. She’s”
“She?”
“Yeah I’m going for a sexy female villain. I’m trying to do something different. I mean I haven’t really flushed out my idea yet, so right now it isn’t much.”
I nod. “Well from what I heard, it sounds interesting. Maybe I could play the sexy villainess.”
He smiles. “You are sexy but you don’t seem like a villain. I think you may be too sweet.”
He couldn’t be serious. I definitely wasn’t sweet. “I am sweet” I said this and winked at him.
“You are?” He wore a mischievous grin across his face.
“You wanna find out?” I say before taking another sip of this horrid drink.
“Where’s Keith?” The smile disappeared like he was having second thoughts about betraying his friend.
I laugh. “You didn’t seem like you were into that. You want Keith to join us?”
He smiles and he waves his hands in front of him. “Nothing like that. No, I wasn’t asking does he know you’re gone? I don’t want him beating on my door looking for you.”
“Nope don’t worry. He’s knocked out. I guess he can’t handle his liquor.
I stand in front of him and un -tie my robe to reveal my black lace bra and panty set. He scoots t edge of the seat and he runs his hands up my thighs. I grab his hand.
“Let’s go to the bedroom.”
“You’re bad Diana” he remarks as he’s following me. “No wait. You’re dirty.”
“Mm I think that’s sound familiar”. I joke. I laugh as a line from the song pops into my head. ‘I’ll be your everything if you make me a star.’
It’s funny what difference a year could make. Leaving Keith for Dexter was a very smart move. Dexter was so sprung, he gave me the leading role in his movie, The Devil Wears Red. The studio wasn’t sure about another woman in a lead action since Catwoman flopped terribly. I guess America couldn’t resist these curves and we were number one opening weekend with $30 million. I almost passed out when I received my check.
My new found financial freedom was very unexpected. I had to ask myself what was the point of Dexter? I had my own home which is something I never had up until this point. I was always living with some man. It wasn’t the spacious beach front property, I aspired to have but it was wonderfully decorated. I bought a white Range Rover and I still had my Mercedes.
My agent/publicist, Toni called me up and told me it was someone she wanted me to meet. His name was Damien Charles and everyone said he was going to be the next Will Smith. He was handsome, charming and 15 years young’s younger than Will. She told me quite frankly that to take my career to the next level, I needed a celebrity relationship. “What’s better than one celebrity Diana? Two celebrities.” She asked and answered.
She was right it was all over People and countless other magazines. ‘Diana Russell leaves Dexter Jones for heart-throb Damien Charles.’ Dexter didn’t take it so well. He really thought we would be together. I had to change my number twice. Poor guy. Just when I thought I was done using guys here I go again.
Except with Damien, things were fun. I enjoyed his company and he seemed to enjoy mine. We went shopping and he brought me whatever I wanted. Usually the paparazzi would ‘discover’ out and about on Rodeo. We dined at Mr. Chows and once again the paparazzi would ‘discover’ us there as well. We made sure to be seen all across L.A. We were the hottest couple in Hollywood since Brad and Angelina.
In the short three months we’ve been together, I feel like we’ve made a connection. I’ve never had a guy treat me like him before. He’s caring and he listens to me. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex and he said we could take things slow. He had quickly become my best friend.
Tonight, he was cooking dinner for me at his house. His house was huge and on the beach. After dinner we took a walk on the beach and he told me more about growing up in North Carolina. He says he always wanted to act and his mother encouraged him along the way. ‘She’s my biggest supported so every time I’m nominated for something I have to make sure my mom is there’ I thought it was cute that he was such a momma’s boy.
As we walked barefoot through the sand, he pressured me to talk about my childhood. What do people feel the need to know everything about each other.
He held my hand and looked at me intently. “Come on tell me something.”
“O.k. Of course you know I grew up in Chicago. I lived with my mother and father and four siblings. To be honest I hated my childhood.”
“Why?”
“Well were poor and never had anything but the bare necessities. The kids used to tease us constantly about our clothing. We never had anything new. I fought with my sisters constantly. The house seemed to always be filled with anger. My mother tried her best but we were our father’s children.
“Was he a angry guy?”
“He was an angry violent drunk. He took his frustrations out on everyone. His whippings were borderline beatings. And he used to hit my mom. I asked why didn’t she leave him. She said I didn’t know the man he used to be. She said she didn’t believe in divorce and with god’s help things would get better. And most importantly she loved him. I thought if that’s love I never want to fall in love.”
He wiped the tear from my eye and kissed my forehead. I didn’t even know I was crying. He held me. It’s ok now Diana.
We walked in silence for awhile before I started to speak again. “ One of my best memories is when I was around seven or so. It was Christmas Eve and we pretty much knew we weren’t getting anything. My mom tried to cheer us up so we made chocolate chip cookies. She said Santa may stop by our house because we had the best cookies in the neighborhood. None of us thought Santa was coming because of some cookies but we had fun anyway. Right after my momma put us to bed; daddy came in the house and called us downstairs. He brought us each one gift.”
“The one thing you guys wanted?”
“Yeah. I wanted some doll. She was brown with black hair and she wore a white dress.”
“What does she do?”
“Nothing.” I laughed. “She does absolutely nothing. She doesn’t cry, or talk or anything. I have no idea why I wanted that boring ass doll. You know I still have it to this day.”
He looks serious briefly, and then asks me a question. “When is the last time you talked to your parents?”
“I left home when I was seventeen and I haven’t seen them since.
“Wow. Why did you leave home?”
“Can’t we talk about something else?” I thought about the last time I was home. Me and my mother were having yet another fight. I was the smart child who was supposed to excel in school and I did for awhile. Then I became more interested in boys especially after they became more interested in me. I dated the guys who could buy stuff for me because I couldn’t. I ended up barely passing and pregnant. I miscarried. The guy I was dating told me not to have our baby. He said he didn’t want it. I never looked at guys the same. I still wonder how my life would be if I had the child. I probably wouldn’t how I am.
“Hey what you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Let’s make a wager. I’ll race you back to the house. If you win we’ll drop this whole conversation. If I win you have to answer any question I ask.
“Thank you” I say as Damien hands me a glass of wine. We were sitting on the floor in his living area in front of the fireplace. I had my back against the couch with legs slightly outstretched. He lay on his side facing me.
“So I won. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“You’re the first man I ever loved.
He looked at me smiling. “You probably say to that to every guy he teased.”
“No really. For the first time I feel like I can be myself. It’s like if I’m not perfect you don’t care. You like me anyway. I’m not a sex object with you.” I smile at him when I say this.
“Yeah I’m the epitome of a gentleman.”
“Can I be honest with you?” I debated whether I should bring this up.
“You can tell me anything you know that.”
“I know your secret…”
“What are you tal-”
“No wait. I know you’re gay Damien.” I blurted it out.
He stayed quiet. Presumably debating whether he would come clean.
“If you knew why didn’t you say anything? Why did you stay? How did you know?”
“Ok damn you have a lot of questions. Well I didn’t say anything because obviously you didn’t want me to know. I officially figured it out when we went to Fernando’s tennis match. I couldn’t be sure but I thought you eyeing Fernando when you two were talking. Then your body language said you guys were more than just friends. But, before Fernando, I suspected it. How long have we’ve been seeing each other?” He laughs. “I mean come on a few dates and you’re a gentleman. After a month well three months and you’re just gay. Most men can’t three minutes to sleep with me.”
“Ok you figured me out.
“Mm hmm. So, I’m not the only one keeping secrets around here.
“I can’t believe you know. You didn’t answer my question why did you stay?”
“Well I just got a new role and another one in the works.”
“So you’re using me?”
“You’re using me.” He benefited from everyone thinking he was dating. The world probably wasn’t ready for a gay action hero just yet.
“I guess huh.”
“I just needed a break and here was my opportunity. I go from guy to guy without thinking twice, except once. I think I could have loved Keith. He was nice and thoughtful. There’s no going back only forward. Staying with you gave me a chance to figure out what I wanted and get what I wanted at the same time. Honestly, I still don’t know what I want.”
He comes and sits next to me and places his arm around me. I rest my head on his chest. “What am I going to do with you?”
I smile at him. “I think we already figured out you’re not going to do anything with me.”
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Great Example
The Great Example.
Recently, my interest in all things politics has spawned many insightful conversations about politics and its relationship to economics. This in turn leads into a discussion about race and economics. Overlooking the impact race has on economics should be unavoidable, but that is simply not the case. Many of us grow up with the notion that if we work hard we will be successful. We are taught that hard work is rewarded.
A statistic at the National Civil Rights museum stated as recently as 1998 only 14.7% of blacks made $50,000 or more. So, that talented tenth Dubois was going on about in the early 1900’s didn’t exist until the 1990’s. Let’s go further. The Black employment rate is 16.5%, which means 68.8% of blacks are working for less than $50,000. The debate about why black people aren’t successful or why black people are poor is because they’re lazy, they want welfare or they don’t work. Yet, majority of blacks do work but they don’t make a lot of money!
Now to my title, the great example. One-way of motivating people, especially black people is to use the success of one successful black person. It’s like if he or she could make it then you can too. Don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating not motivating people but this overlooks something rather important. Why tell people to work extremely hard to overcome adversities and not address why those adversities exist. We should praise the success of black people but not at the expense of discussing why majority of black people are making less than $50, 000. It can’t be because they’re lazy.
The use of the great example angers me. The success of one black person doesn’t mean its possible for all black people. That’s not being pessimistic but rather realistic. Some people have more opportunities than others and there are many factors to be considered. The success of Oprah hasn’t improved the lives of black women. Yes, I’m happy Oprah’s successful, but what about everybody else? More importantly, the mere fact you have to point out individual success stories should make it apparent there’s a larger problem at hand. We don’t sit around and discuss the few successful white people because as a whole they’re more successful.
Let’s look at it another way. If you ran a school and only 15% of students passed state tests, would you be happy. Would you go yay! Look at these 150 students out of 1000 that passed. Would you tell the students that failed look at Student B he/she got a 100, you could too. No, you would examine the problem. It can’t possibly be an individual problem if 85% is doing poorly.
So, the argument of black people not doing well because they’re lazy needs to stop being made. What about the millions of working class blacks who toil away at jobs for forty hours or more and barely make ends meet? When are we going to examine a system where blacks are disenfranchised and come up with solutions to solving the problem? Yes, I want you to use one of those great examples that inspire you to be successful and at the time I want you to question why you’re working so hard to achieve something that comes so easily to others?
Recently, my interest in all things politics has spawned many insightful conversations about politics and its relationship to economics. This in turn leads into a discussion about race and economics. Overlooking the impact race has on economics should be unavoidable, but that is simply not the case. Many of us grow up with the notion that if we work hard we will be successful. We are taught that hard work is rewarded.
A statistic at the National Civil Rights museum stated as recently as 1998 only 14.7% of blacks made $50,000 or more. So, that talented tenth Dubois was going on about in the early 1900’s didn’t exist until the 1990’s. Let’s go further. The Black employment rate is 16.5%, which means 68.8% of blacks are working for less than $50,000. The debate about why black people aren’t successful or why black people are poor is because they’re lazy, they want welfare or they don’t work. Yet, majority of blacks do work but they don’t make a lot of money!
Now to my title, the great example. One-way of motivating people, especially black people is to use the success of one successful black person. It’s like if he or she could make it then you can too. Don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating not motivating people but this overlooks something rather important. Why tell people to work extremely hard to overcome adversities and not address why those adversities exist. We should praise the success of black people but not at the expense of discussing why majority of black people are making less than $50, 000. It can’t be because they’re lazy.
The use of the great example angers me. The success of one black person doesn’t mean its possible for all black people. That’s not being pessimistic but rather realistic. Some people have more opportunities than others and there are many factors to be considered. The success of Oprah hasn’t improved the lives of black women. Yes, I’m happy Oprah’s successful, but what about everybody else? More importantly, the mere fact you have to point out individual success stories should make it apparent there’s a larger problem at hand. We don’t sit around and discuss the few successful white people because as a whole they’re more successful.
Let’s look at it another way. If you ran a school and only 15% of students passed state tests, would you be happy. Would you go yay! Look at these 150 students out of 1000 that passed. Would you tell the students that failed look at Student B he/she got a 100, you could too. No, you would examine the problem. It can’t possibly be an individual problem if 85% is doing poorly.
So, the argument of black people not doing well because they’re lazy needs to stop being made. What about the millions of working class blacks who toil away at jobs for forty hours or more and barely make ends meet? When are we going to examine a system where blacks are disenfranchised and come up with solutions to solving the problem? Yes, I want you to use one of those great examples that inspire you to be successful and at the time I want you to question why you’re working so hard to achieve something that comes so easily to others?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm Not a Racist
I was having a discussion with a friend quite recently and we were discussing feminism. I commented how black women had their own term for feminism, womanist as a result of being excluded from the white feminism movement. She commented how she doesn’t understand why race is even factored into the equation and added that black women weren’t necessarily excluded but that not many black women were feminist. The latter isn’t the case at all a famed black feminist; Audre Lorde made a famous speech regarding the exclusion of women of color from a feminist conference entitled “The Masters Tools will not dismantle the Masters House” (get familiar). And black women have been feminist before the term was invented anyone remembers Sojourner Truth and her famous “Aint I Woman” speech?
What stood out from this conversation for me is my friend’s reluctance to admit race was very much so apart of our lives. She called me a racist for saying race was very much a part of the lives of black people. People of color are constantly discriminated against whether they consciously think about it or not. This inspired me to think about aspects of my life and determine how much of my existence and the people around existence are determined by our race?
I attended an all black school as well as many black children in Chicago and what does this mean? Illinois behind New York has the biggest gap in funded between white and black children. Thousands more are spent on white children. This means a greater education for one group than the other. Then right-wing conservatives and Ward Connelly’s uncle tom ass argue against affirmative action. You’re right some of those blacks’ students aren’t prepared for college. It’s not because they aren’t as smart no it’s because their education was filled with a curriculum that didn’t prepare them for college. Think about it even the highest performing students at some all black schools aren’t prepared for college because they receive an education comparable to their white counterparts. What happened to the progress made by Board v Education like fifty years ago?
How about housing? I grew up in all black neighborhood riddled with violence, crime and poverty. MLK made a comment once about the segregation of Chicago and still forty years later that segregation exists. There’s countless of communities in Chicago blacks don’t even make up a percentage of the population or it’s so insignificant it’s not even worth mentioning.
There’s the obvious injustice of our criminal ‘justice’ system. There’s no secret blacks make up around 13% of drug users even though you probably couldn’t tell if you lived on the Southside of Chicago lol but make up around 70% of all prosecuted drug offenders. This means jails are filled with non-violent drug offenders. One in eight black men between the ages of 20-34 are in prison. And the rates of black women are rising as well. I would need another note to describe the rampant sexual assault of imprisoned women. The reality is most convicts return to prison. For those who want attend to college upon release the government won’t assist them if they’ve been convicted of a felony.
My friend said some black people are lazy. UM some people from every race are lazy. In hard economic times, blacks suffer the most. Unemployment rates for blacks are always higher than whites but when you factor in a recession forget about it. How many black and Latino families lost their homes in this mortgage crisis? Countless. And why did black and Latino lose their homes in such a disproportionate way I don’t know maybe it’s because minorities are targeted for those shitty sub prime loans? Black women are supposedly welfare queens… please last time I checked the banks were getting bailed out. Right now the auto industry and banks are the real welfare kings.
If we think about it globally people of color are the poorest people on the earth.
I will use the words of my favorite columnist Mary Mitchell and say talking about race doesn’t mean you are racist. Furthermore not talking about race is like ignoring a big ass pink elephant in your living room-it can’t be done. Ignoring racism doesn’t change anything I would say just the opposite is necessary. I will end this by saying I applaud the countless individuals that participated in the civil rights movement and it saddens me to think I live in a generation that doesn’t realize the fight isn’t over.
Any thoughts?…
What stood out from this conversation for me is my friend’s reluctance to admit race was very much so apart of our lives. She called me a racist for saying race was very much a part of the lives of black people. People of color are constantly discriminated against whether they consciously think about it or not. This inspired me to think about aspects of my life and determine how much of my existence and the people around existence are determined by our race?
I attended an all black school as well as many black children in Chicago and what does this mean? Illinois behind New York has the biggest gap in funded between white and black children. Thousands more are spent on white children. This means a greater education for one group than the other. Then right-wing conservatives and Ward Connelly’s uncle tom ass argue against affirmative action. You’re right some of those blacks’ students aren’t prepared for college. It’s not because they aren’t as smart no it’s because their education was filled with a curriculum that didn’t prepare them for college. Think about it even the highest performing students at some all black schools aren’t prepared for college because they receive an education comparable to their white counterparts. What happened to the progress made by Board v Education like fifty years ago?
How about housing? I grew up in all black neighborhood riddled with violence, crime and poverty. MLK made a comment once about the segregation of Chicago and still forty years later that segregation exists. There’s countless of communities in Chicago blacks don’t even make up a percentage of the population or it’s so insignificant it’s not even worth mentioning.
There’s the obvious injustice of our criminal ‘justice’ system. There’s no secret blacks make up around 13% of drug users even though you probably couldn’t tell if you lived on the Southside of Chicago lol but make up around 70% of all prosecuted drug offenders. This means jails are filled with non-violent drug offenders. One in eight black men between the ages of 20-34 are in prison. And the rates of black women are rising as well. I would need another note to describe the rampant sexual assault of imprisoned women. The reality is most convicts return to prison. For those who want attend to college upon release the government won’t assist them if they’ve been convicted of a felony.
My friend said some black people are lazy. UM some people from every race are lazy. In hard economic times, blacks suffer the most. Unemployment rates for blacks are always higher than whites but when you factor in a recession forget about it. How many black and Latino families lost their homes in this mortgage crisis? Countless. And why did black and Latino lose their homes in such a disproportionate way I don’t know maybe it’s because minorities are targeted for those shitty sub prime loans? Black women are supposedly welfare queens… please last time I checked the banks were getting bailed out. Right now the auto industry and banks are the real welfare kings.
If we think about it globally people of color are the poorest people on the earth.
I will use the words of my favorite columnist Mary Mitchell and say talking about race doesn’t mean you are racist. Furthermore not talking about race is like ignoring a big ass pink elephant in your living room-it can’t be done. Ignoring racism doesn’t change anything I would say just the opposite is necessary. I will end this by saying I applaud the countless individuals that participated in the civil rights movement and it saddens me to think I live in a generation that doesn’t realize the fight isn’t over.
Any thoughts?…
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Strong Black Woman
The Strong Black Woman.
In my GWS/Afro class we discussed the Moynihan Report. Moynihan’s idea was the problem with the black family is that the black woman had too much power and the men were emasculated. I have a problem with this for so many reasons.
First off usually the image of the strong black woman is a woman who is loud, aggressive, confrontational and all around unpleasant. She never smiles and is very difficult to deal with. You know the lip smacking, rolling her eyes pointing her finger type of woman. Or a strong black woman means a single mother who is working hard to raise her children. I say lets re-examine the definition of the strong black woman. Couldn’t a strong black woman be mild mannered, articulate, educated and childless? Couldn’t a strong black woman be easy going? Shouldn’t a strong black woman be a woman who’s after positive change in her life and for those around her?
Another observation of mine and anyone is free to argue with me on this is usually that in your face type of woman is not strong at all but quite the opposite. I would say she doesn’t emasculated her man at all and that she actually needs to be more assertive. Lets think about it. There are plenty of woman who demand and receive nothing from their partners. How many people have friends who’ve never been on dates? Grown ass women who cant say they’ve been picked up and taken to dinner and a movie. She is okay with being a baby momma or a girlfriend for seven years. Many women date men who are ok with having sex with them unprotected, ok with getting them pregnant, ok with living with them but not ok with marrying them. Think about it ladies, how many of us have a friend who has contracted a disease from a guy because he refused to wear a condom? Its no wonder that black women are rapidly contracting HIV. The black woman needs to be a tad bit stronger. I’m a firm believer in the saying you teach people how to treat you. And if you accept anything you get anything.
I would continue to argue that the black woman’s most prized possession is her man. The black woman doesn’t emasculate her man , the black woman loves her man. Its black woman that the black woman doesn’t like . The constant bad looks or stares, black women give other black women. Most black men can do no wrong. How many defend R. Kelly or Chris Brown and men like him? And then on the flip side tear down a woman and calling her a whore and a bitch in a minute. Oftentimes sisterhood is lost.
And if the black woman is strong its because she had to be. There wasn’t a strong black man when she needed one.
Also I would like to address the issue so when does the presence of a strong black woman mean the men are weak. If black communities are going to thrive, isn’t both strong black men and women needed? I think both black men and women need higher standards for themselves.
I hope what I wrote isn’t misconstrued. All I meant here is to say I believe the image of the strong black woman that ‘s perpetuated in the media is wrong. I think the black woman need higher standards. I think the black man needs to meet those standards. What I want to do here is ask what do you think it means to be a strong black woman? What do you think are the problems with black families? its definitely not the issue of black women asserting themselves
In my GWS/Afro class we discussed the Moynihan Report. Moynihan’s idea was the problem with the black family is that the black woman had too much power and the men were emasculated. I have a problem with this for so many reasons.
First off usually the image of the strong black woman is a woman who is loud, aggressive, confrontational and all around unpleasant. She never smiles and is very difficult to deal with. You know the lip smacking, rolling her eyes pointing her finger type of woman. Or a strong black woman means a single mother who is working hard to raise her children. I say lets re-examine the definition of the strong black woman. Couldn’t a strong black woman be mild mannered, articulate, educated and childless? Couldn’t a strong black woman be easy going? Shouldn’t a strong black woman be a woman who’s after positive change in her life and for those around her?
Another observation of mine and anyone is free to argue with me on this is usually that in your face type of woman is not strong at all but quite the opposite. I would say she doesn’t emasculated her man at all and that she actually needs to be more assertive. Lets think about it. There are plenty of woman who demand and receive nothing from their partners. How many people have friends who’ve never been on dates? Grown ass women who cant say they’ve been picked up and taken to dinner and a movie. She is okay with being a baby momma or a girlfriend for seven years. Many women date men who are ok with having sex with them unprotected, ok with getting them pregnant, ok with living with them but not ok with marrying them. Think about it ladies, how many of us have a friend who has contracted a disease from a guy because he refused to wear a condom? Its no wonder that black women are rapidly contracting HIV. The black woman needs to be a tad bit stronger. I’m a firm believer in the saying you teach people how to treat you. And if you accept anything you get anything.
I would continue to argue that the black woman’s most prized possession is her man. The black woman doesn’t emasculate her man , the black woman loves her man. Its black woman that the black woman doesn’t like . The constant bad looks or stares, black women give other black women. Most black men can do no wrong. How many defend R. Kelly or Chris Brown and men like him? And then on the flip side tear down a woman and calling her a whore and a bitch in a minute. Oftentimes sisterhood is lost.
And if the black woman is strong its because she had to be. There wasn’t a strong black man when she needed one.
Also I would like to address the issue so when does the presence of a strong black woman mean the men are weak. If black communities are going to thrive, isn’t both strong black men and women needed? I think both black men and women need higher standards for themselves.
I hope what I wrote isn’t misconstrued. All I meant here is to say I believe the image of the strong black woman that ‘s perpetuated in the media is wrong. I think the black woman need higher standards. I think the black man needs to meet those standards. What I want to do here is ask what do you think it means to be a strong black woman? What do you think are the problems with black families? its definitely not the issue of black women asserting themselves
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Girl Got a Girlfriend
I kissed a girl and I liked it, Katy Perry sang but it seems this is the case for many women.
While being gay isn’t accepted my mainstream society its more prevalent but accepted well that could be debated, it’s kind of ok if you’re an attractive lesbian. The girl on girl fantasy is everywhere. Countless songs, images, porn (so I’ve heard lol). Many women admit to having fantasies about other women and even acting on those fantasies. They say women are better lovers because women know what women want. So I have this question,
Is being bisexual a trend? Many say they’re experimenting or that they’re really attracted to both sexes. My sister says bisexuality doesn’t exist either you gay or just a freak. I happen to disagree if you will have a relationship with a man and women then you’re bi. If you will have sex with a woman but won’t date her then this just may be a phase in your life.
I surprisingly noticed it seems many men don’t mind if their girl has a girlfriend on the side but there’s usually a catch. He wants to join in but if his girlfriend is a dating a woman who doesn’t like men there is no joining in. Lesbians don’t have sex with men and if she has sex with men she’s not a lesbian- she‘s bi.
I’ve heard all kinds of things on this subject. I have a boy friend but he doesn’t know I sleep with women. I want to surprise my boyfriend with a threesome and that’s it. I’m just exploring right now but I want to marry a man. I would prefer to date women but men pay the bills. I like having sex with women but I want to be with a man because I can’t seem to make a relationship with women work.
Experts have said women’s sexuality is more fluid and that’s the reason why women can love both sexes. This may be true. Many argue that you’re born gay or straight. I don’t feel like sexuality is a rigid as people would make it seem. I thinks there is some sort of fluidity in both men’s and women’s sexuality. I believe in the Kinsey scale. Some of us are on either side as being totally straight or totally gay and the rest of the population lies on that spectrum.
Maybe if this idea was more widely accepted there wouldn’t be a need to exploit images of attractive ‘lesbians.’ People wouldn’t have to hide their sexuality hence being freer. And also we wouldn’t this need to question ones sexuality as being authentic.
While being gay isn’t accepted my mainstream society its more prevalent but accepted well that could be debated, it’s kind of ok if you’re an attractive lesbian. The girl on girl fantasy is everywhere. Countless songs, images, porn (so I’ve heard lol). Many women admit to having fantasies about other women and even acting on those fantasies. They say women are better lovers because women know what women want. So I have this question,
Is being bisexual a trend? Many say they’re experimenting or that they’re really attracted to both sexes. My sister says bisexuality doesn’t exist either you gay or just a freak. I happen to disagree if you will have a relationship with a man and women then you’re bi. If you will have sex with a woman but won’t date her then this just may be a phase in your life.
I surprisingly noticed it seems many men don’t mind if their girl has a girlfriend on the side but there’s usually a catch. He wants to join in but if his girlfriend is a dating a woman who doesn’t like men there is no joining in. Lesbians don’t have sex with men and if she has sex with men she’s not a lesbian- she‘s bi.
I’ve heard all kinds of things on this subject. I have a boy friend but he doesn’t know I sleep with women. I want to surprise my boyfriend with a threesome and that’s it. I’m just exploring right now but I want to marry a man. I would prefer to date women but men pay the bills. I like having sex with women but I want to be with a man because I can’t seem to make a relationship with women work.
Experts have said women’s sexuality is more fluid and that’s the reason why women can love both sexes. This may be true. Many argue that you’re born gay or straight. I don’t feel like sexuality is a rigid as people would make it seem. I thinks there is some sort of fluidity in both men’s and women’s sexuality. I believe in the Kinsey scale. Some of us are on either side as being totally straight or totally gay and the rest of the population lies on that spectrum.
Maybe if this idea was more widely accepted there wouldn’t be a need to exploit images of attractive ‘lesbians.’ People wouldn’t have to hide their sexuality hence being freer. And also we wouldn’t this need to question ones sexuality as being authentic.
What the hell happened in 09?
Politics Sex and Food are my three main interests so I chose that as the title for my blog. When I say sex it includes relationships, love, etc. I’m not some sort of freak and that probably depends on who you ask lol.
Since the year is relatively new I’ve decided to do a review of 2009, things that tickled my fancy, made me think or even those things that simply made me shake my damn head. So here goes,
President Barack Obama: the first African American president. Yay! What an accomplishment! Admittedly I didn’t vote because I didn’t feel either candidate would make changes I think should be made despite Obama’s insistence things would change. Has that change come? Well not yet but I remain hopeful. Nonetheless I watched the inauguration like many of you did and I look forward to seeing the ‘changes’ in the future. Go Obama (yes I say that with a slight hint of sarcasm).
Chris Brown and Rihanna. I had to talk about this! Even Oprah was mad! Domestic violence is not okay. Despite its prevalence in many homes especially black homes its not okay. I couldn’t fathom how many black women I heard say Rihanna deserved it or she crazy or I still love you Chris. Yes love the abuser hate the victim that makes sense right? For all of you people that blame victims for their abuse and think Chris should get a free pass because he can dance do the world a favor and jump off a bridge.
Did Lady Gaga not take over this year or what? I totally love her. She’s weird, she’s fun, she’s innovative, open-minded and she’s for the gays. What’s not to love right?
That brings me into another highlight. The National Equality March on Washington for gay rights that occurred on October 11, 2009. I was there so was Lady Gaga. It was my first taste of activism and I loved it. Many of you may not even know this event occurred because many ‘news’ outlets chose ignore 200,000 people marching for gay rights. I could talk all day about how controlled the media really is and how very bias it is but I digress.
Twitter totally took over. Well at least in celebrity world. I don’t have one and I know like two people who do have twitter accounts. I may join though( no sarcasm here). After all who doesn’t want to know what Diddy is doing at 2 am?
Healthcare: Why do republicans feel the need to attack abortion? Why do democrats let them and sometimes join in? It’s legal -get over it. Why shouldn’t we provide healthcare for ‘illegal aliens?’ Let’s face it ‘illegal aliens’ are the hardest working people in America at least we can do is make sure they see the dentist. And while we’re at it can we stop calling people illegal aliens? Considering how many people are failed each year by our current healthcare system would it really get any worse if the government ran it? I feel like either go all the way or leave it alone because so far I don’t see the reform. It looks like business as usual you know insurance companies making all the money while people receive shitty healthcare.
Bank bailout: Bail out the banks and they will loan money and create jobs. Sounds good right? Did that happen? Hell no! Bail out the banks, they don’t loan out money and don’t create new jobs yet they start making money again. So banks get to fuck up the economy, get a bailout then make a profit while not helping anybody but themselves. Hmmm
Music: Drake- We love him right? Justin Beiber got little white girls going crazy. Um the tik tok girl. Susan Boyle-she was huge. Whitney made a comeback or sort of. Mariah Carey made a diss track. The same Mariah who sings about honey and butterflies came at Eminem’s head, clowned him in the video, then made a remix! I love Gucci. Trey came out swinging I guess he really was ready lol Jay z and Alicia had an empire state of mind. I blamed it on the alcohol! A lot. Um there are plenty more but I’m forgetting. Oh wait there was Kanye! I love him. And Lil Mama. Lil Mama was with Martin Luther King yall.
Michael Jackson died! Everybody loves Raymond no Everybody loves Michael Jackson. “Michael was the greatest entertainer in the world!” I love Joe Jackson. MJ stole the summer as far as news is concerned. He broke his own records. See Mike is bad! There was a movie. You have seven year olds with thriller jackets and they know the moves. Grown ass men with tattoos covering their whole torso. I stayed home and watched the funeral, and then I got freaked out when they kept showing his daughters speech over and over again. I watched MJ you tube videos for like forever. Now honestly I was not expecting to see so many people crying their eyes out like Michael was there uncle or something. Michael will always be remembered as the greatest entertainer and a wonderful humanitarian…tear.
Movies: I didn’t really see any last year. I remember 500 days of summer which was pretty good. Obsessed which was ok. Um Precious which was abysmal. I’m blanking here…I haven’t saw Avatar. I saw Julia and Julia. Idk I have to see more movies this year.
There was Octomom. All those damn kids. Jon and Kate plus all those damn kids. Balloon boy…Was 2009 the year for kids?
New York Post and its Obama picture… What’s there to say?
Leave Tiger alone! Pick on Charlie Sheen. Tigers cheats on Elin but Charlie’s whooping ass. I mean he ‘accidentally shot his fiancé’. Well you know people always load, aim and shoot guns by accident right? Shouldn’t the media pick on abusers? They didn’t leave Chris Brown alone. Makes you wonder huh?
I’m pretty sure there are more highlights of the year that I’m leaving off.
On a more personal note. I fell in love. We broke up. I was devastated. I partied in Atl for spring break. I went to my first strip clubs and I’ve been going ever since. I even went for my birthday…good time. I got into an unexpected relationship and I still am, right boo? I experienced a lot of not so good times and looking forward to this year and so far it’s been great.
Look forward to a blog about Haiti and I’m done…
Since the year is relatively new I’ve decided to do a review of 2009, things that tickled my fancy, made me think or even those things that simply made me shake my damn head. So here goes,
President Barack Obama: the first African American president. Yay! What an accomplishment! Admittedly I didn’t vote because I didn’t feel either candidate would make changes I think should be made despite Obama’s insistence things would change. Has that change come? Well not yet but I remain hopeful. Nonetheless I watched the inauguration like many of you did and I look forward to seeing the ‘changes’ in the future. Go Obama (yes I say that with a slight hint of sarcasm).
Chris Brown and Rihanna. I had to talk about this! Even Oprah was mad! Domestic violence is not okay. Despite its prevalence in many homes especially black homes its not okay. I couldn’t fathom how many black women I heard say Rihanna deserved it or she crazy or I still love you Chris. Yes love the abuser hate the victim that makes sense right? For all of you people that blame victims for their abuse and think Chris should get a free pass because he can dance do the world a favor and jump off a bridge.
Did Lady Gaga not take over this year or what? I totally love her. She’s weird, she’s fun, she’s innovative, open-minded and she’s for the gays. What’s not to love right?
That brings me into another highlight. The National Equality March on Washington for gay rights that occurred on October 11, 2009. I was there so was Lady Gaga. It was my first taste of activism and I loved it. Many of you may not even know this event occurred because many ‘news’ outlets chose ignore 200,000 people marching for gay rights. I could talk all day about how controlled the media really is and how very bias it is but I digress.
Twitter totally took over. Well at least in celebrity world. I don’t have one and I know like two people who do have twitter accounts. I may join though( no sarcasm here). After all who doesn’t want to know what Diddy is doing at 2 am?
Healthcare: Why do republicans feel the need to attack abortion? Why do democrats let them and sometimes join in? It’s legal -get over it. Why shouldn’t we provide healthcare for ‘illegal aliens?’ Let’s face it ‘illegal aliens’ are the hardest working people in America at least we can do is make sure they see the dentist. And while we’re at it can we stop calling people illegal aliens? Considering how many people are failed each year by our current healthcare system would it really get any worse if the government ran it? I feel like either go all the way or leave it alone because so far I don’t see the reform. It looks like business as usual you know insurance companies making all the money while people receive shitty healthcare.
Bank bailout: Bail out the banks and they will loan money and create jobs. Sounds good right? Did that happen? Hell no! Bail out the banks, they don’t loan out money and don’t create new jobs yet they start making money again. So banks get to fuck up the economy, get a bailout then make a profit while not helping anybody but themselves. Hmmm
Music: Drake- We love him right? Justin Beiber got little white girls going crazy. Um the tik tok girl. Susan Boyle-she was huge. Whitney made a comeback or sort of. Mariah Carey made a diss track. The same Mariah who sings about honey and butterflies came at Eminem’s head, clowned him in the video, then made a remix! I love Gucci. Trey came out swinging I guess he really was ready lol Jay z and Alicia had an empire state of mind. I blamed it on the alcohol! A lot. Um there are plenty more but I’m forgetting. Oh wait there was Kanye! I love him. And Lil Mama. Lil Mama was with Martin Luther King yall.
Michael Jackson died! Everybody loves Raymond no Everybody loves Michael Jackson. “Michael was the greatest entertainer in the world!” I love Joe Jackson. MJ stole the summer as far as news is concerned. He broke his own records. See Mike is bad! There was a movie. You have seven year olds with thriller jackets and they know the moves. Grown ass men with tattoos covering their whole torso. I stayed home and watched the funeral, and then I got freaked out when they kept showing his daughters speech over and over again. I watched MJ you tube videos for like forever. Now honestly I was not expecting to see so many people crying their eyes out like Michael was there uncle or something. Michael will always be remembered as the greatest entertainer and a wonderful humanitarian…tear.
Movies: I didn’t really see any last year. I remember 500 days of summer which was pretty good. Obsessed which was ok. Um Precious which was abysmal. I’m blanking here…I haven’t saw Avatar. I saw Julia and Julia. Idk I have to see more movies this year.
There was Octomom. All those damn kids. Jon and Kate plus all those damn kids. Balloon boy…Was 2009 the year for kids?
New York Post and its Obama picture… What’s there to say?
Leave Tiger alone! Pick on Charlie Sheen. Tigers cheats on Elin but Charlie’s whooping ass. I mean he ‘accidentally shot his fiancé’. Well you know people always load, aim and shoot guns by accident right? Shouldn’t the media pick on abusers? They didn’t leave Chris Brown alone. Makes you wonder huh?
I’m pretty sure there are more highlights of the year that I’m leaving off.
On a more personal note. I fell in love. We broke up. I was devastated. I partied in Atl for spring break. I went to my first strip clubs and I’ve been going ever since. I even went for my birthday…good time. I got into an unexpected relationship and I still am, right boo? I experienced a lot of not so good times and looking forward to this year and so far it’s been great.
Look forward to a blog about Haiti and I’m done…
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